A Resident's Life

On the Other Side of the Mountain

2008-06-08T08:18:00.000-07:00

As this blog was entitled, "A Resident's Life", it no longer seems appropriate to keep blogging, at least here. I find blogging very therapeutic and cathartic (although some of you who have read it at times thought I needed psychiatric help). So, I will continue to blog.
My new blog will be all about my new life as an attending, living with my husband (in the same city!), and my new experiences. Check out "On the Other Side of the Mountain", my new blog, at www.drmcbainsblog.blogspot.com

Good bye residency!! Hello new life!!

last day

2008-06-05T20:50:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I am finished. For the last 14 years I have been striving and working towards completing my schooling and my training in order to be a practicing physicain. Well, I have achieved that! I am blown away. Some people are surprised when I say this, but that is because they just don't get it. Only someone who really KNOWS can understand - those who have been through it.
I had my very last day as a resident today. It was pleasant. I was in a lovely, unstressed room, with an unstressed staff, fun nurses, and nice other residents. Even the surgeon was nice, although he kept wanting to give me advice about privledges and such.
Again, I was struck by the people I work with. I kept being surprised by the different people who would come up to me, hug me, tell me congratulations, and tell me they were going to miss me. I guess you don't realize what an impact you have on people until you are ready to leave. I really think that is my favorite part of this job. We really all are a team (as cheesy as that sounds). As much as it saddens me to not be around some of these people, there is just so much more drawing me away.
I wonder what new experiences I will have as a staff? I wonder what life will throw at me? Will Jurgen and I bring new life into the world? Or will we be content to adopt a new furry face? Will Jurgen's father attempt to kill himself while waterskiing again this year?
Stay tuned.....

Same Bat time, Same Bat place....

Random thoughts

2008-06-04T19:01:00.000-07:00

The luscious smell of blooming lilacs and a recent summer rain remind me of how much I love Saskatoon in the summer months. It is lovely here. I will miss the beautiful river, fun festivals, and great nightlife. I will miss the many friendships I have made over the years. I am, however, excited to start a new life. I am excited to try something new, live somewhere new, and experience a different perspective. I am so looking forward to not having to have my relationship over the phone, to not having to drive 250 km every weekend, and to not being alone. I am looking forward to being a family again.
On a sour note - I hate packing. I hate moving. I get stressed with the time constraints, and daunted by the enormity of the situation. I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF! How did this happen? How can one person accumulate so much (for lack of a better word) crap? I feel like I have been throwing SO much stuff away - old artlicles, books, notecards, receipts, memorabilia, clothing, pictures, study stuff, LMCC stuff, university stuff, cat toys, plants, shoes (yes, I did actually throw shoes out. That just means that now I can buy more!)... and still I have so much more to get rid of!
On a better note - today was great! I worked with a really nice staff person, and a great team in the OR. Everyone that I saw today told me congratulations, and how excited they were for me. I just kept on grinning from 7:30 right on up to 4:30! It is so wonderful that everyone has been so supportive and understanding through all of this. I feel so loved! Again, it is sad that I have to leave a place that after 5 years feels really comfortable, but it is time. Time for a change.

I still can't believe it!

2008-06-01T12:14:00.000-07:00

I still can't believe it. I have been walking around with a big stupid grin on my face. Did someone make a mistake? No, every time I look at the website it is the same. I still passed.

Today was so luxurious. Ok, so the plane ride home was long and arduous, but after that was lovely. I sat outside with the kitties (where I am now), went out for lunch, and then to Canadian Tire, and I didn't feel guilty! There was no black cloud hanging over my head. Nothing looming, ever-present, in the distance. Is this what normal people feel like? It will probably take a long time before I can just sit for a few minutes and not feel like I should be doing something else. Even when we went on vacation, I was always reading Anesthesia.

There is lifelong learning, and I will continue to strive for excellence. As well, I still have a few days of actual work as a resident left. Nonetheless, I feel like I have won the lottery! No one can stop me now!

Look out world! Here I come!

It's Over!!!!!

2008-05-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

I can't describe how I am feeling, but I will try. Disbelief -I am shocked. Relief - so glad it is over. Elated - I am so excited by the outcome! Yes, it is true. I have looked on the Royal College Website and discovered that I passed my exams! We found out last night, after dinner. We went for a lovely dinner with friends, and a classmate phoned to say the results were up (at least for her). I wasn't sure if mine would be as she wrote in the morning and I wrote in the afternoon. I also wasn't sure what would be the outcome.
Every room I was the first person out of the room. That is either really good, or really bad, I wasn't sure. I was sure the first time it happened, it was because I had done really well on the questions. The next three times, I wasn't sure. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was missing something, that I just wasn't getting at what they wanted. Actually, as soon as the exam was over, I bolted. I wanted to just get out of there. Jurgen was there already waiting for me (a big grin on his face), but I didn't give him the reaction he wanted. I started to cry. I was so worried. I couldn't tell how it had gone. The examiners are given explicit instructions as to not show any emotion, and they sure didn't. That was hard.

In the end, it doesn't matter any more! I was successful! I even sent the email to myself and checked it again today. Last night when I read the computer screen, I couldn't believe it. I had to read it over and over. As the realization hit me that I had passed, tears started streaming down my face. I was laughing and crying all at the same time. I just grabbed Jurgen and held him and told him how much I loved him. I kept laughing and laughing. Jurgen bought a bottle of pink champagne and we drank the whole thing! I phoned all my family members, and Jurgen sent out an email to his department. I didn't send out a mass email or put it on Facebook, because 2 of my classmates still have to write. I don't want to presume.

I can't believe it's true. I can't believe it's over. I can now start a new chapter of my life. Who knows what that will bring? The world is my oyster!

Joelle McBain BSc, MD, FRCPC

Almost over

2008-05-28T08:52:00.000-07:00

It is almost over. In just two short days I will be writing my exam. The exam that has tortured and tormented me for the better part of five years. The exam that has filled my life with self-doubt, hopelessness, and despair.
Jurgen tells me I am in "a strange place" right now. All is see is gloom where there should be light. When the Royal College published its pass rates from last year, at first I felt hopeful, then just sick. Sure, 93% sounds amazing, unless you are one of the 7%, then you are just an idiot. He thinks it is really weird that I would think that. Also, when people say, "You'll be just fine" I don't take comfort in that. They must really think it helps, but I keep thinking, "What if I'm not?"
Ah, fear of failure. Where would I be without that? Honestly? Nowhere. That is my motivator. If I am not worried, I don't bother (hence last week). Unfortunately, now it is too late. I will still review stuff (until the last moment, because that is just me), but eventually I will realize that there is not much point, and put the books away.
In the end, all that matters is it is over. I will be finished being a resident. I can live with my hubby again (who loves me dearly). I can take the summer off. If, for some strange reason, I have a meltdown and totally freeze, I can always write it again. Then, the unknown factor will be gone. Think of how much I will know by then?
So, at 2:00 Ontario time on Friday, May 30, think of me and send me good energized thoughts. Then, at 6:00 Ontario time, raise a glass in my honour - it will be over!

hope

2008-05-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

I have no motivation. It is gone. Only a week until the exam and I have lost my steam. Jurgen says that is normal. That everyone gets to that point around now. It makes me a little worried, acutally. What if because of this I don't do as well? Well, maybe that should be motivation enough. Unfortunately, what comes along with the lack of motivation is also a complete lack of caring. Apathy. Totally fitting. I feel a little pathetic. I just want it over.
As the days tick down, and it gets closer and closer to the date, I am more and more excited just to be finished. I am excited to not be a resident. I am excited to pack up my house and move somewhere new. I have lived here for 14 years (except the first year of residency in Regina, does that count?). It is time for a change. Good or bad, there is still change. I am hoping for good.
A friend lately told me that my emails were less about despair recently, but more about hope. I guess that is how I feel - hopeful. I am still not absolutely confident that I will pass, but I am hopeful. I am still unclear of my future, but I am hopeful.
Think of me one week tomorrow. Send happy vibes. Send positive energy.

Send hope.

Just the break I needed

2008-05-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

I went home this weekend. The only weekend in May that I was planning to take that long awful drive. It was great. We went out for dinner. We went to the lake. I relaxed. For a few moments the rest of the world did not exist. For a few moments I felt like a normal person enjoying her May Long weekend.
It was just the break I needed. Now, I can get back to the grind. Get back to studying. I have purpose again. Work, and it will come. Strive, and you will achieve. Hope, and it will be there.
The light is getting brighter and brighter. First it was dim, a little flicker of hope. Now it is shining brightly, lighting the way, showing me where to go.
Bring it on, I say! Bring on the exam! I can do it! I will show them, and me, that I can do this!

soothing colour of green

2008-05-16T11:58:00.000-07:00

I love spring. Suddenly, it is green again. The sun is shining, it is warm enough to wear pretty sandals and skirts, and the sky is blue. Funny how something so simple can change your mood so completely. Yesturday, I felt awful, hopeless, full of anger and despair. Today, I feel hopeful, encouraged, happy. Nothing in my situation has changed except the weather.
Maybe it also has to do with the fact that in a few short hours I will have a little break. I will be in Regina with the man I love, and tomorrow we will be at the lake enjoying the sunshine. There is some normalcy in that.
I just have to keep thinking that this is only an exam. It is only one evaluation in a line of many. It does not reflect who I am. It does not even reflect my competency at this job. It merely reflects my ability to barf out some information that I have memorized in a semi-coherent fashion. Not reality.
No matter. I am going to put on my pretty sandals (which everyone complimented today!), pack up my girls, and head off to my solice. Green is such a soothing colour and now there is so much of it. I love the spring.

More of the same

2008-05-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

I just read my most recent blog before I started this one. What can I say now? More of the same, unfortunately.

I was feeling really good about things. I really felt like I had progressed. I really felt like I had a real chance of passing this stupid exam. I guess I should have blogged then. Unfortunately, one never feels like venting when they are happy.

We have 2 weeks left to prepare for this exam. At this point people have told us we should start to scale back a bit. Slow down with getting questions. Or, at least get questions from people that you know won't scare you too bad. We should have listened.

We just had a session wiht an attending whom I don't much like to begin with. He wrote his exam quite a while ago now, and obviously doesn't know the format. His questions may be true to both real life and the exam (except the format, and prompting), but I didn't find them useful. I can make myself depressed, thank you. I don't need you to tell me at this point that I suck.

I am so tired of continually feeling beat down. I am so tired of feeling depressed. I am tired of crying. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of feeling that no matter what I do I will only disappoint myself and everyone around me.

The sun was shining today. My cats went out and enjoyed the day. I was thinking how wonderful it will be to sit outside and enjoy the day. How lovely it will be to go to the lake, read something other than Anesthesia, do something other than study or feel guilty about not studying.

I guess no matter what happens I will be able to do that. If things go well, perfect. If things do not go so well... I can cross that bridge then, but at least I won't have to be a resident anymore. At least I can still move to Regina and live with my husband (poor guy thinks he has married a crazy person). Heck, I can even still work and bill. It is then that I can make the decision about writing it again or not.

A warning to anyone reading this: Be wary of what you wish for, it might not be what you think. Would I do what I had wished for and do this all again? Not a chance in hell. I would work in a flower shop.

needing something different

2008-05-08T16:37:00.000-07:00

I am trying to be positive these last few weeks, I really am, but I am finding it very hard. It is not in my nature to tell someone off when they piss me off, and I wish it was. All I end up doing is stewing about it later. I come up with all sorts of snappy come backs after the fact, but never at the moment. I wish we lived in a world where you didn't need to come up with come-backs. I wish we lived in a world where everyone was working towards a common good, but that is just not reality.
I am getting really frustrated with things. Frustrated with surgeons telling me how to do my job, and insinuating I am not doing it right. Frustrated with the nurses for the exact same reason. Frustrated with my attendings trying to tell me what to do. They have read something in some textbook. Yeah? Well, I have also read stuff, and probably a lot more recently too. Frustrated with getting exams and still not being at the top of my game. Frustrated with worrying about things - to the point that I am having nightmares.
I just want to be finished. I just want this to be over. I am starting to not even care if I pass or not. I just need a break.
I worry that this is all for naught. I worry that at the end of this I will wake up and realize that I wasted not only the last 14 years, but my life. I worry that every day I will be unhappy with my job, just as frustrated as I am now. I worry that I won't be good at my job and that, too, will be frustrating.
Jurgen tells me it will get better. He tells me that he felt this way too. Look at him now - he loves what he does, and people respect him.
Maybe 14 years is a long time (it sure feels that way). Maybe I just need a change. Maybe I need something or somewhere different. At least at the end of this, there will be change. Whether it is good change or bad, at least it will be different.

small reflection

2008-05-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

It feels like so much of the last two years I have been in count-down mode. I have been ticking things off on my "list of to-d0" for the last time. My last grand rounds as a resident, my last journal club as a resident, my last presentation at Bev Leech (our research weekend), my last cirriculum seminar (resident teaching) both as a presenter and an attender. This year has been full of things like my last night on call as a resident, the first part of my exam, my last Mock Oral, my last month of working as a resident. Soon I will be able to say, my last exam as a resident, last day, last study session, etc.
In a way, I have been wishing my life away. Wishing that this two years was over and I could be where Jurgen is. I am hoping that I have taken a few moments to remember some of this: the accomplishments, the hardships, the friendships, the knowledge learned. I know I have come a long way, and I still have some to go. Today, however, as a break from studying, I thought I would stop and "smell the flowers" so to speak. Reflect a bit. I wanted to look back and try to see where I was, where I am, and where I am going.
I feel like my life is on the verge of an enormous change. I have known nothing but school and some form of scholastics my ENTIRE life (years 0-4 don't count). What will I do when this is over? Will I be a life-long learner, always striving for perfection and procurement of knowledge? What will be my next big accomplishment? How will I define myself now? Will it be with "life accomplishments" such as kids, or something else? Who could ever know?
I guess that is why life is more about the journey than the destination.

2008-04-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

I had a little taste of what my hubby feels like today. He loves his job. Mostly because of the social aspect. Today I had that. I was working with one of the new young attendings who knows all too well what it is like at this stage of the game. He realizes that if he is there in the room he needs to be asking me questions or considerations. Otherwise, it is best to let me run the show. Sure, we can trade off and split up the work, that makes it more enjoyable for both of us.
Then there were the nurses. We laughed and joked and teased each other all day. The surgeon is one of the ones who are really pleasant. I was also able to pick his brain about a few ENT questions I had, so that was useful.
Then the patients. I really felt like I connected with them today. The ones that I saw later thanked me for what I had done, and seemed very satisfied with my anesthetic. I never felt like I went the "extra mile", I just did my job, and that was enough.
Overall, I had a great day. Sometimes I get that little inkling of why my hubby loves his job so much. OK, I get it.

a change of heart

2008-04-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

I realize that so much of what I have been writing lately has been dark, and depressing. These last few 5 weeks or so have been really hard on me with everything that is going on. However, I must realize that I should be thankful for what I have.
Thankful that my father has recovered so much, so fast.
Thankful that my husband is so wonderful and understanding, even if I am a crazy person whom he thinks will crack at any moment.
Thankful for my cats, they love me no matter what.
Thankful that I have so many people pulling for me.
Thankful that I have people in my life willing to help me.
Thankful for all my friends and family who support me.

Why the change? All it takes is a little sunshine. Doing well on a couple of questions makes it seem a little less hopeless. Makes me think that if I just work at it a little harder, do a few more questions, ask for a little more help, that maybe, just maybe I can do it.

this time of year

2008-04-26T09:10:00.000-07:00

I wonder what it is about this time of year. I just read a friend's blog and was surprised to see my own thoughts and feelings echoed in hers. We have completely different stuff going on in our lives but the end result is the same - a bad funk. A feeling of hopelessness. A feeling of despair. A feeling that everything always ends up in the same depressing place that you never want it to.

I wonder if it is the snow. The fact that it is the end of April and we still have SNOW! That is definately depressing.

I wonder if it is tax time. The fact that it shows us our financial failures for the last year.

I wonder if it is just that we are getting older and we are still in the same place that we were several years ago. A person's 30's are a lot different than their 20's. In your 20's you think that the world owes you something and that you are invincible. In your 30's you realize you owe the world something and that you need to deliver. You realize that you, nor your closest friends and family are not invincible, and bad things happen to good people.

I don't know what it is that makes this time of year suck. It just does.

sensitive

2008-04-23T20:54:00.000-07:00

I wish I wasn't so sensitive. Maybe then this whole process wouldn't be so bad. If I could let my ego get a bit bruised and not worry about it, it wouldn't hurt so much. But that isn't me. Why can't I take constructive criticism? The people who are giving it to you aren't trying to hurt you, they are trying to help you. So why does it hurt so bad? I hope I am not the only person who feels this way, but maybe other people just have "thicker skin" than me. Maybe, for me, the only way to motivate me is to scare me, hurt me, poke fun at me. Maybe the only thing that drives me is the fear of failure.
I know I should use this. Take control, fix the situation, make it better. Can I do it? I am such a conflict - yes, it is only an exam, yes there are more important things in life, yes I can write it again, yes it doesn't change my true outcome. I tell myself all these things over an over. But, do I believe it? I somehow think that this defines me, but it doesn't. An exam cannot tell you who you are. Then why do I let it control me? Consume me? Attempt to destroy me? Aren't I better than that?
Somehow I have got to grab ahold of this and take control of it. Push these feelings into submission. I will not be controlled. I will not be consumed. I am not destroyed. One moment in time (or several, for that matter) do not make a lifetime.
There is still time. I can still work at this. I can still improve. I can still strive forward. I can still succeed.
If at first you don't suceed.....

Life. And so it goes.

2008-04-22T17:39:00.001-07:00

Life just keeps on plugging away, whether you want it to or not. It doesn't care that you have an exam to study for. It doesn't care that this is the pinnacle of what you have been working towards. Nope. It says, too bad, all the little things still need to be done. You can't hide in your house expecting everything to work itself out around you. You have to be realistic, and just get it done.

What am I talking about? Moving. I am dreading it. I always dread it. I get comfortable, I nest, I collect stuff. No, I am not a pack-rat, but there is still stuff. I got married in this house, so there are cards, invitations, and pictures. I did residency in this house, so there are books (and books), lab coats, and stethescopes. I "raised" 2 cats in this house, so there are toys, kitty-condos, carriers, and leashes. I had a life for 5 years in this house, so there is everything imagineable in this house! Some of it I want to get rid of, some of which I want to keep, and some I am just not sure yet. What if I throw something away, and then in 2 years Iam looking for it, wondering where it is, regretting the decision?

I feel like, on one hand, that I can use packing as an excuse to not study. It will be a good break, I tell myself. Then I think, yeah right. That doesn't sound fun at all. But, it has to be done.

There are some things I can put off - getting my police check for work, filling out my priveledges card, starting a family - and there are some things I can't. Studying must be done. Packing should be done. Starting a family can't be done.

And so it goes....

bad attitude

2008-04-17T19:59:00.001-07:00

I have a bad attitude. All of my attendings keep ranting and raving about how they think I should spend my last few weeks of residency. I know what my hubby says, and I trust him. He did this exam, passed, and is one of the smartest people I have ever known. He says the time for interesting cases is over. The time for exam prep is now. I agree. If I haven't seen it in five years of training, a few more weeks will not likely make a difference. Am I saying that I shouldn't be in the OR? No. What I am saying is that I want to be in the OR with people who can give me questions. I don't really care what case they are doing. It could be ortho, gyne, vascular, gen surg, whatever. Right now it is all about preparing for the exam and getting enough practice to pass. Don't tell me there is an "interesting case" to do, because I don't care. Give it to one of the fourth-years to do!

The next stage

2008-04-13T17:16:00.000-07:00

Well, Part 1 and 2 of the writtens are over, and now it is on to the orals. One more day of hell, with a little mini one in the middle (our practice orals). I think I did OK on the first part, but who can ever really know? It is know up to the orals to help bring my mark up (or at least not make it any worse!).
I took a couple of days off, went to a small conference, even went on Facebook, but now it is time. Again, the call of the books, the call of more knowledge, the fear of failure, and absolute desire to have all of this over drives me.
8 weeks left. 7 weeks of preparation and 1 week after. Then, I will pack up the place that has been my life for the last five years and venture onto that awful highway for (hopefully) the last time. I will start a new chapter of my life. One where I am a professional. Where people seek out my advice. Where I live with my husband, and expand my family. Ah, doesn't that just sound like bliss?
I just have to keep telling myself that I can do this. It is just an exam. There are more important things in life. Even if I fail, the worst is over. I can write it again, but I still get to move to Regina, live with my husband, and generally get on with my life. I hope that is not the case, but who can ever really know? Gotta keep trying. That is all I can do...

Part 1

2008-04-08T17:24:00.000-07:00

Well, the first of three awful days is over. The multiple choice exam is over! I finished early, as I always do on exams. I was SO happy whenever I saw a questions that I recognized. Some I didn't recognize and knew, and some I definately didn't. When I started changing answers I knew it was time to quit. They always say go with your gut.

When I finished, I felt like crying. A tone of emtion. Not really sad, not really happy, more just relief. Then elation at being done. I really thought I had passed! I went immediately and bought some new clothes!

Then I went home and started thinking about things, and looked a few things up. I realized then that I hadn't done as well as I had thought. Now again the doubt. Was it enough? Will my mark on this still be enough to pull me out from the horror that I know tomorrow will be? If it isn't, I still don't know what I would do differently next year. I still don't think I could do it again, this year I mean.

Well, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it (if I have t0). One more day, then a break.

I can do it. I have to do it.

(Can you hear the train?)

procrastinating

2008-04-06T15:49:00.000-07:00

OK. So, I am procrastinating. I have reached a wall. An "I don't give a F@%*!" wall. I have made almost 60 pages of notes from about 6 texts, and reviewed them once, and I have been through 12 years of questions 3 times. Can I do more? Yes. Do I want to? No. Will I anyway? Unfortunately, yes. I am very sick of this but feel like I couldn't stop now for fear that if I did, THAT few hours would be the reason I didn't pass.

Here is also where my mind is: Do I know everything? No. Can I know everything? No. Am I smarter than all the people writing this, or even as prepared? No. Am I dumber than 5% (or whatever the fail rate is) of the population? No. Am I somewhere in the middle? Most likely. Will I wide the wave of the curve like I always do? Most likely. Can I pass this? Maybe. Is there still a possibility that I could fail? Sure. Will that change what I do? Well, it might make me study for a few more hours yet tonight. Will it change my future? Not totally. All the important things would still happen - I would still move to Regina, I would still stop being a resident, I could still work, I could still get on with my life. Would it still suck? Most definately it would be the most horrible, humiliating experience of my life. Would I survive? Probably.

So, where does that leave us? Realizing that I need to get off my ass and do a couple more hours of studying yet tonight!

Same old

2008-04-02T13:47:00.000-07:00

Now that Dad is doing better (he is walking, although still with assistance, his speech is almost 100%, and his hand is gaining in strength every day), I feel more comfortable about being back in Saskatoon. I can focus on my studies again. Now back to the same old stress.
I don't know which is worse - The stress of my Dad's recovery, or the stress of the exam. Before it was definately Dad's surgery and recovery. I still don't think Iwill ever feel like that again, nor do I ever want to. Now though, with him improving, it is the exam.
The heart palpitations, the nausea, the constant worry. I don't know if I could do this again. The despair, the tears, the gripping looming blackness.
Well, one week today and both written components will be over and one with.

Wish me luck.

Baby steps

2008-03-24T08:31:00.000-07:00

Every day is a new milestone. Every day is a small step forward. Baby steps. First the confusion left. Then he was able to move his foot and leg a bit. Then he was able to move his arm a bit. Then even his hand. Now his speech is improving. Slowly. Slowly. An inch at a time.
Man! He is strong. Man! So is she. I don't know if I could be as strong as them.
What do I do? Encourage. Be positive. Help with the exercises. Encourage. Be postive.
It will return. It will come back. Don't you worry. We will work together.
The tears are lessening as the strength is returning.
Leaving now is hard. Knowing that they rely so much on me. But I must continue with the other challenge. The dark cloud which was replaced by another much darker one, is starting to return.
If he can do it, one step at a time, perhaps maybe I can too.
Baby steps

Reality check

2008-03-19T13:33:00.000-07:00

My last blog was very postitive. Perhaps too much so. I was censoring what I was really fearing and thinking.
Dad did not do as well as hoped. There was a complication. Dad has had a stroke. We don't know when it happened, or what the actual cause was, but that is reality.
The hardest thing you will ever have to do in your life is to watch your parents suffer. Watching my father not be able to move his right side, being confused, and unable to talk to us was the worst thing ever.
Since yesturday, however, we have seen some improvements. Baby steps.
Being sad is draining. Maybe soon I won't have tears left to cry.

The Other Side of Medicine

2008-03-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

Dad's surgery was today. Is is ever horrible to be on the other side of things! The worst - the waiting. I felt like my chest was going to explode, my tachycardia was taking over, and I constantly had to pee. Now the stress of the exam will feel like nothing.
Dad went down to "holding" at 7am. At that point, he was feeling very relaxed because of the medication they had given him. Thank God for Ativan! That made it easier on all of us. He was making jokes and feeling good.
We then went for breakfast, and then back home for a bit. We thought we should be back to the hosptial by 11am incase they finished early. But, they didn't. We waited, and waited, and waited. I became more and more nervous. Are they having problems coming off pump? Is he crashing? What complications have possibly occured? Every possible problem ran through my mind.
Jurgen luckily was able to snoop out some info. It seems there was a bit of a leak around the valve and they needed to go back on bypass to fix it. Otherwise things were going well. They finally came in around two thirty to talk to us and tell him about the leak and say he was in ICU. It seems that they didn't quite fix it, but it wasn't bad enough to warrant replacing everything and starting over. I wasn't happy to hear that it wasn't perfect, but what could I expect? There are always complications (however minor) with medical families.
In the end, he is in ICU doing very well. All of his vitals look really good. His colour looks good, and he is not on any medications to support his blood pressure.
It was, however, really stressful. It was really hard on my family, and hard for me, too. I needed to be strong for them, and so I was. Thank goodness that Jurgen was there so that we could have a breather together and he could support me.
I think the team did a fantastic job. They worked really hard to make sure that everything went as well as humanly possible. I am happy the way things are going.
The next 24 hours will really tell. They have decided to have one more look with the transesophageal echo to look at his heart tomorrow. They will leave the breathing tube in until after that, and he will remain sedated and comfortable until then. I am sure by that point that they will be happy with the results, and so will I.
Please continue to keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. I know that so many people are rooting for Dad and that is fantastic.
Just a couple more days....

Prayers for Dad

2008-03-16T08:54:00.000-07:00

If any of you read this before Monday, Please pray for my Dad. His OR is Monday morning. He will be the first case of the day. He is having his Aortic valve replaced and one bypass. For those who don't know, this involved putting him to sleep, opening up his chest, stopping his heart, putting him on the heart-lung machine, opening up the largest vessel in his body, taking out his valve, and replacing it with a bioprosthetic valve (pig valve), then connecting a vein from his leg to his heart, restarting up his heart, and taking him off the machine. Tomorrow night he will be in ICU. Tomorrow he will have plastic tubes coming from everywhere. I know what to expect, but it is different when it is someone you know and love. It will be hard to see. It will be hard to be on the other side of things.

I know he is in very good hands. I trust the surgeon, Anesthesiologist, and nurses that will be looking after him. They are a great team. Nonetheless, I am still worried.

Please have my family in your thoughts and prayers. Please think of my Dad. Please pray for a job well done, and a speedy recovery.

Maui

2008-03-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

Maui was beautiful! Great weather, lots of fun and sun, and some great people to spend it with!
It is so hard to have pictures of us when we travel. This was taken by an Aussie girl who was just walking by.
The real reason for the trip was Annabelle and Laurent's wedding. It was beautiful! What a great couple!
We did two snorkelling trip. This was taken by "Black Rock" where we saw lots of fish, heard the whales singing, and even saw Sea Turtles!!

It was a great trip!

2 days and counting!

2008-02-28T12:19:00.000-08:00

In just two short days Jurgen and I are off to Maui for a week of sun and fun!! One of our very best friends is getting married in Maui and we will be there to share in the celebrations! We are so looking forward to a week to forget everything. In Maui there will be no hospitals, no surgeries, no exams, no worries. There will, unfortunately, still be some studying going on, but somehow it seems easier knowing it will be on a sun-filled beach!

I know, you are all jealous!

priorities

2008-02-25T17:04:00.000-08:00

Oh, the turmoil in my life right now. Jurgen and I just got into a fight because he was booked into the OR here in Sasktoon the week that my Dad is to have his surgery. He says he can't cancel his day because he has a responsibility to his patients and the surgeons. What about his responsibility to me and my family? Shouldn't that come first? He doesn't seem to think so.

Also, I love him and love that he is here, but I couldn't help thinking today that it might be easier if he wasn't. There is no noise here (TV, video games, etc.) when he isn't here. I don't have to worry about being imaginative with dinner when he isn't here. If I want to have Kraft Dinner and hot dogs for supper, I can and no one cares. I don't have to share my computer with anyone when he isn't here. I can go for a run, come home sweaty and sit around in my work out clothes if I feel like it.

On the other hand, I am lonely and depressed when he isn't here. I miss him when he isn't here.
It is still hard, either way.

family ties

2008-02-24T18:57:00.000-08:00

One thing about having not so good things happen in your life, is that sometimes it brings people together.
My brother and I have never really been that close. Sometimes we go almost 6 months without even speaking. We are totally different, black vs. white, and often do not see eye to eye.
However, with Dad soon to go under the knife, we seem to feel the need to be closer. I have phoned him several times in the last week or so, and finally got ahold of him. We talked about Dad and his upcoming predicament. I told him what I thought, he said he agreed. He said he should come home, I said I agreed. He said he trusted and respected the decisions I had made so far with Dad. I just about fell off my chair!
Today, I phoned him again. I told him we had a lay over in Vancouver on the way to Maui and asked if he wanted to have "lupper". He said he did. He actually sounded like he was looking forward to it when we hung up.
This year has taught me a lot. About perserverence, about patience, about patients, about me. Most of all, though, it has taught me about what is really important in life - family. They love you unconditionally, no matter what.
Sort of like my cats ;) , and they are family too.

Dad's valve

2008-02-20T18:51:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks like Dad will need surgery after all. He tried to convince the surgeon that he should wait and have it done in the fall, but the surgeon thought he should have it done sooner rather than later. It will probably be done in the few weeks.
I don't know how to react or act. I know it is the right thing to do. I was even more worried when they said they didn't want to do it, but I am still worried. I know all of the problems and complications that can happen. I know that most of the time patients do well, but this time it is my dad.
As far as how to act, I am unsure of that too. I know I should be strong for my Dad. But I worry that being strong will be misinterpreted as not caring. I feel like the best thing I can do is give information, but I don't want to give too much and scare him. I feel like if I get worked up it will just make things worse, but how do I show him that I care? How do I let him know I am concerned.
Selfishly, I want them to wait until I get back from Maui to do his surgery. I really want to be there. Jurgen suggested that I call the surgeon and make that suggestion, but I don't want to seem pushy.
This is hard. As you grow up you don't think about the fact that your parents are aging too. You just see them as the same as they were when you were 13 years old. Then, one day you notice that they are not that person anymore. You are not that person anymore. It is good, you have both grown. But, then you notice age setting in and the problems inherent in that - hypertension, diabetes, heart problems. You can't imagine not having them in your life, not being there with you every step of the way, holding your hand and cheering them on. Someday, however, we all have to face that. That too, is part of growing up.
I am just not ready to be that grown up.

Turbulent week

2008-02-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

I had a very turbulent week. However, rather than spend an inorminant amount of time (when I should be studying), I will recap.
Sunday - Back from Making a Mark (read previous blog) exhausted.
Monday - Am I a JURSI?! I can't seem to make anything go right. Feeling frustrated.
Tuesday - waiting to hear about my father's angiogram. Will he need urgent open heart surgery? Suck horribly at oral exams in the OR. Continue to suck horribly on Oral exams with our examiner. Feeling depressed.
Wednesday - Find out Dad's arteries are OK. Now, what to do about his valve? Shouldn't he have it fixed? Feeling worried. Feeling tired. Feeling depressed.
Thank God for Annabelle. .Always there for a dinner date, she makes me feel better with sushi and wine.
Thursday - I take the day off to study. Take a break to shop a bit and find cute bathing suits for Maui. Feeling better.
Friday - Study session that is productive (started at 7am). Left early to go to Regina. Feeling hopeful.
Saturday - Off to the boat-show with Jurgen. BUY A BOAT! Feeling fantastic!
Sunday - Supper with Mom and Dad and Jurgen's folks.
Monday - Leave Regina knowing that I won't be back again until I am finished. Feeling sad.

That was my topsy turvey week. Ups and downs.
Don't worry, Iwill keep you posted about the boat.

Making a Mark

2008-02-10T11:42:00.000-08:00

I am back from Banff. Back from our review course called "Making a Mark". It started off rough. I had a set of oral exams first thing on Friday morning and did not do well at all. I made a critical mistake on a critical portion of the exam, and did, well, critical. Before they gave me my feedback, I was proud of myself for being calm, and organized and not getting too flustered. Then, I got the feedback and realized just what I had done. The next few lectures after that I couldn't even focus. I was too distraught.
I waited until lunch, went back to my room, and sobbed. Luckily, the girl I was sharing with wasn't there at the time. I really needed someone to tell me that it would be OK, that I wouldn't make that mistake on the real exam.
I picked myself up, and carried on. More lectures. Then a written exam that night, which I did equally crappy on. At least, the others in my group did only marginally better than me, that made me feel better.
Saturday was a new day. A much better day. It was like a complete 180. I did AWESOME on this set of oral exams. They had glowing compliments for me. The lectures were also better.
When I phoned Jurgen to talk to him about it, he said he had the exact same experience! We really are the same! And, he still did OK. He still passed.
So, what did this teach me? I can carry on. I can pick myself up. I will continue. And I will prevail.

Still the little engine: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.........

Good vibes

2008-02-06T15:33:00.000-08:00

I am leaving tomorrow for 4 days in Banff. You must be thinking, "That is great. She needs the break." Yes, I need the break, but that is not the plan for this trip. It is our review course for all of the Anesthesia residents across Canada. It will consist of lectures, oral exams, and written exams. I think it will be very stressful. One of my colleagues cried, one destroyed his room, and one had a major melt down! I can't imagine what my response will be (probably the first). I am hoping, however, that in the end it will be useful and very motivating.

So, if you are out there reading this, Please, send me good vibes. Happy thoughts. Good wishes. Anything you think might help ease the "pain".

I will keep you updated on how it goes.

Who do I listen to?

2008-01-30T18:20:00.000-08:00

I came home depressed and frustrated today (again!) with work. When I was asked, "What happened?" All I could say was, "nothing". No, no one died or (less melodramatic) was harmed in any way. In fact, both of my patients did very well today. On any other day with any other staff I would have come home satisfied. But, not today. Today I worked with my Program Director. I feel like nothing goes right when I am with him. Not only that, but he is a perfectionist and so even if it did go right, it wouldnt' be enough. And, after speaking with a friend in another specialty, he is not alone in making residents feel the way he does. I guess they feel it is their job to "tell it like it is" and give you that little "nudge" they think you need to motivate you. Constructive criticism? More like Destructive criticism. My delicate ego needs more right now. I don' t need someone to inform me of how little I know, I am acutely aware of the situation. What's more, is pointing it out actually just proves the futility of all of this.

On the other hand, there have been some people lately who have given me glowing recommendations and compliments. These people see me day in and day out. They see the long term effects of what I do in the OR - the recovery room nurses. They have been telling me lately how wonderful they think I am, that they trust me, and think I do an excellent job. Also, some of the OR nurses have also complimented me lately on how good with kids they thought I was (What a compliment!).

Then there is my husband - Ever my cheering section. He does not bat an eye when I tell him how frustrated I am, he has been there. He recognizes some of the lines people have been feeding me for the garbage it is. I just keep thinking that if I can just make it through the next few months, maybe I, too, will love my job as much as he loves his.

So, who do I listen to? The people who have seen it all and think they know it all (not just my program director), the ones who see me in action on a day-to-day basis, or the ones who know me intimately? Hard to say. I guess it depends on my mood....

Today, I will listen to my hubby. After all, in the end, he is the one who has to live with me.

Learning Balance

2008-01-22T19:49:00.000-08:00

Just a quick blog to say, I am doing OK. I am trying to learn balance. To realize that this exam process is the means to and end, not THE END. I am trying to not let myself be completely CONSUMED by the process. If I am really that stressed, and not coping, how much am I going to retain anyway? Probably not a lot.
I have had some great cases lately, some great days, and worked with great people. Yes, this is what it is about. Sure, that "little quiz" (as it is affectionately called by those who have made it through) is always looming, but not quite as darkly.
Maybe this all has to do with getting to spend a week with the love of my life. He definately keeps me grounded.
Ah, sliver linings abound.

Lovely days

2008-01-17T14:06:00.000-08:00

I know I post about how rotten my life is a lot, so to try and even it out a bit, here is the good side. (please note all names are fictional)
I had two really great days. The first, a "big case" on a premie that was now barely term for a huge laparotomy. The surgeon, Dr. Grumpy, was surprisingly well behaved and in a great mood. He even told me that he had no doubt that I would pass my exams. What a complimet! The staff Anesthesiologist, Dr. Gruff-and-do-it-all, also well behaved and in a good mood. He left me alone for the greater part of the day, which was just fine with me. Our lines went in well, everyone was pleasant, and what could have been scary and awful, was just fine.
Today I worked with Dr. Mentor, who is always a joy. I really respect her - as a colleague, a staff person, a mentor, and a friend. She worked hard to get where she is, and she does not hesitate to help others along the same road. She has really helped me in these last 4 years. Letting me know that all of what I am feeling is normal, that I am not alone, and that yes, I can do it. She let me do everything (despite us having another premie who is just barely term), gave helpful hints, and gave me some great questions to think about.
Then the nurses. Nurses really can make or break your day, and the nurses I worked with (whom were pretty much the same both days) were great! We all laughed and joked, and things were smooth.
This is what Jurgen talks about.... Maybe I do still like my job.

My 2007 song

2008-01-13T18:30:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine recently posted on her blog about how she picks a song every year that sort of symbolizes that year. She picked the song "Gravity". After reading her blog I had to download the song for myself to see what exactly she was talking about. The soulful song resonnated with me as well, especially the end: "Just keep me where the light is...." There is still hope, there is still light.
My song for 2007 is not so woeful. In fact it is the perfect @#$%-you kind of song. A song about doing something that someone may not have agreed with that you can't take back. A song about not being about to just forgive when people are awful to you. A song of strength. What is it? It is "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks. This song was perfect a few months ago, and continues to be so. This is the song that I belt out at the top of my lungs in my car, and in my house. You may try to push me down and shut me up, but you will never successfully take my voice or my power. I am not ready to make nice, and I DON'T have time to go round and round. I will continue to fight. And I will win.
Bring it on Royal College, Bring it on colleagues, Bring it on world.

study woes

2008-01-10T16:45:00.000-08:00

I am starting to feel very alone, and lost with this whole process. I feel like I am barely above water, always on the verge of drowning. And so, I look for support. I look to those who are going through the same woes - my colleagues. Sure, my friends in other specialties are good to talk to, but we are all a bit different. I need someone who really understands. Unfortunately, I am not connecting with the people in my year. We have different ideas on how to study, and what is useful. Am I surprised? Well, I guess only a little. We are all different people, and so that makes sense, but I thought we would band together and help each other out. I hear of other groups who divide up the work and meet regularly, who help share the torture. But that is not us. And it hurts. It hurts my ego. I worry that maybe it is just me. That they don't feel like I contribute anything. I also worry that I am not smart enough, or good enough to do this on my own. But, there is no other way. In the end, there is only one person I can truly rely on - me. I have to do this. I have to pass. I have to complete the year. Sure, they do too. But on the day, they won't be there for me to ask, it will just be me.
This time there is only one pair of footprints in the sand, and no one is carrying me....

They bring me peace

2008-01-06T15:07:00.000-08:00

When all around me is falling apart,

They bring me peace

When I feel like I just can't go on,

They bring me peace.

When all I need is a warm hug,

They bring me peace.

When all I need is understanding,

They bring me peace.

When all I need is someone to cry with,

They bring me peace.

When all I need is someone to listen,

They bring me peace.

In my life they are the ones,

They bring me peace.

They help keep me grounded.

They bring me peace

Who are they? My friends, my girls, my beauties.

New Year update

2008-01-04T17:30:00.000-08:00

It is 2008. That means, this is it. I am on the final count down of residency. We are taking it to the next level with work load and studying. Less than 6 months left! Bring it on baby!

The two departments (Regina and Sasktoon) have been very accomadating for Jurgen and I. They are allowing Jurgen to come up to Saskatoon to work about one week per month. This is great, as I have told Jurgen that I am no longer making the drive to Regina. If he wants to see me, he has to come here. The first of these weeks will start Jan. 11

I received my letter of offer from the Regina Health District. I have accepted, and look forward to beginning in late July after some well deserved time off (at the Lake).

We went skiing over the holidays to Whitefish, Montanna. We had great weather and even better skiing.

I spent some time with some of my friends over the holidays. So nice to have friends outside medicine. These people keep me grounded.

Christmas was great. My family was not very dysfunctional at all (surprise!). Maybe some day we will have Christmas at the cabin.

Here is to a new year, with many endings and new possibilities. To new memories, and old fears.

Bring it on, 2008!

Christmas Woes

2007-12-23T09:04:00.000-08:00

I was at a party last night when someone asked me if I like Christmas. I think I like the idea of Christmas: I like the decorations, I love the carols, I love getting a tree and setting it up, I love shopping for gifts and seeing people open them, I love what it represents. However, I don't actually like the day. I find cooking stressful (I haven't quite figured out the whole cooking a turkey thing), I find being around my family for long periods stressful. I would much rather have Christmas cuddled up with my kitties and my hubby by a fire, carols softly playing in the background, watching a movie or reading a book, with a mug of "hot toddy" beside me. Doesn't that sound grand? Alas, I know my family waits anxiously for this day to see us and spend time with us. Maybe if we had kids it would be different - there little faces so full of excitement as they open their gifts from Santa.

That brings me to another issue: Kids. Suddenly, last night Jurgen's mother told me that her grandmother gene has turned on, and now she wants us to have kids. Where did this come from? I always thought I could count on her to support us in our decision to not have kids. And that decision is getting stronger. I like my life. Every time I see a couple with a baby, they tell me how much their life has changed, and then they say how much better it is. Yeah, I am not so sure. When someone tells you that they can only leave the house without the baby for 2 hours because they are breast feeding and it needs to feed that often, that doesn't sound like fun. When someone says that they barely have time to shower, that doesn't sound like fun. When I spend some time with children running out of control, kicking small animals, and screaming at the top of their lungs, that wasn't fun. How can anyone say that it is a good thing. I think kids secrete some hallucinagenic phermone that tricks you into thinking it is wonderful to be around them so that you don't just leave them in a snow bank after the first day. Parasites.

Holy! Am I ever being a Grinch!

On a happier note, I have very much enjoyed the last few days. I have taken a break from thursday until now to just enjoy life a bit. Go out for dinner, go to a Chrismas party, go see a friend in MJ, go shopping. Lovely. Not once did I stress about not studying, because I was on Christmas vacation. Today, however, I decided that I really needed to get some work done (it is Sunday, and that is my traditional "study-all-day" day. So back to the books it is.

For all of you and yours, I wish you whatever happy Christmas dreams you have. Whether it be curling up with your kitties and hubby, cooing carols to your new baby, watching Christmas movies with the kids, or just a sense of peace, may it be yours.
Remember why we have this day. Remember who it is about. Remember there is ALWAYS someone out there who cares.

And, have a very Merry Christmas.

This year

2007-12-10T17:28:00.001-08:00

When I look back on this year I hope I remember not all the bad, but all the good:
All the people who supported me and encouraged me.
All the stuff I learned, about my job, my patients, and myself.
That one year doesn't define you, doesn't make or break you.
And, finally, that no matter what, at the end of the day when I come home, my cats still love me!

Awake

2007-12-01T21:36:00.000-08:00

I just came home from the movie "Awake". When the movie ended, with its melodramatic ending, the words out of my mouth were, "That was ridiculous".
The Anesthesiologist who was, of course, drunk. Why would they be portrayed any other way? I haven't seen it. First on Grey's Anatomy and now this.
The operating room was all wrong. Their Anesthesia machine looked like it was from the 1920's. There was no perfusionist running the bypass machine, and they sent the anesthetist away on a "break" before they went on bypass.
No art line, no CVP. Sure something in the background that might have been a TEE picture, but no one running the probe.
He was in "Fib" a couple of times, but gee, that looks like asystole to me.
To top it off, his mother saves him by overdosing herself so that he can have her heart. Yeah, cause you know her heart is going to be just fine after all those pills she took. No problem there.
I could go on, but why bother?
You know, the funny thing is if they had just consulted the right people, they could have made it look a lot more realistic, a lot more freaky.
As my hubby said to me, real life is a lot more exciting. Our lives anyway.
I love my job.

no motivation

2007-11-27T18:27:00.000-08:00

Today I have no motivation. Despite sucking horribly at yesturday's oral exam prep, I just can't seem to get into studying. It's cold, I haven't seen the sun in days, I miss my family (the kitties and Jurgen), and right now I just don't care. Where, oh where to begin?? I have no idea what to expect on Friday's exam. I feel unprepared, but I just do not know where to start.

I think I will go pack instead. At least then I will feel like I am accomplishing something.

Obs

2007-11-19T18:15:00.000-08:00

As much as I like Obs Anesthesia, I find it really stressful too.
When the women want/need their epidurals, they are often in so much pain they can barely stand it and are almost out of control, losing their minds.
When we take women for sections, it is either urgent (and they have probably been labouring for awhile already and are exhausted), emergent (and everyone is shitting themselves, and I might even have to put her to sleep), or elective ( and last time her experience was completely different, she is totally freaking worried, and wants to go to sleep).
And then they puke. They puke in labour, they puke during the sections, they can even puke as I put them off to sleep. And they wonder why we don't let them eat?! I hate that. I find that stressful. I don't think I would like to be paralyzed from the breast-bone down and not be able to sit up, and puke properly. And yet, I tell all these women that it is "normal and OK if this happens, and very common). Barf. Literally.

residency

2007-11-18T13:17:00.000-08:00

So, since this is supposed to be about my life as a resident, I thought I would write a little bit about work. No, not just about how I am studying, and scared of failing and all that, but the other parts too. So, here goes:

I am in Obstetrical Anethesia right now. A month of labouring women, babied being born, epidurals, cesarean sections, tubal ligations, and Dave. Who is Dave? He is the Head of the Department of Anesthesiology in Saskatoon, Head of Obstetrical Anesthesia, multi-published, kind-of annoying, Dave. He definately know Obs, but it is definately HIS way.

Other than sometimes being irritated with Dave, I really like Obs Anesthesia. It is the one place where when I leave the room, the patient will often turn to me and say, "Thank you". 15 minutes later they were completely out of control, losing their mind, totally in pain. 15 minutes later, they might even be able to sleep. C-sections are a little bit stressful (they drop their BP and puke, there can be sudden bleeding, is my spinal going to work?), but there is the joy of a new life at the end. For the most part, it is a happy time.

Also, this whole "senior resident" thing is not as bad as I once thought. Attendings now call me for interesting cases. Stuff they know I might not see again. I have started to realize the benefit of being in those cases NOW, when it is not just me, and someone else is most responsible. I think some of them are even starting to respect me, and trust me.

Yes, I am still terrified. Yes, I still have doubt (about myself, my choices, my abilities, my life, my partner). Yes, there are still ups and downs. But, this is my life, this is my residency, and I do make a difference to people.
Try having surgery without your Anestheiologist (I dare you!).

I can't wait to do this for real.

Happy moment

2007-11-10T09:36:00.000-08:00

I had gotten up, but crawled back into bed with Jurgen. Both the kitties came and curled up with us. We were one big happy family. I just layed there, listening to the girls purring, and kept thinking, "remember this moment. Now! No, Now!" Taking little mental pictures to store for later in moments of sadness and stress. Outside it may be starting to get cold, but we were toasty, comfy, and warm, all snuggled up together.
I love my family.

PPPuuuuurrrrr, ppuuuuurrrrrrr, ppuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr......

This knot

2007-11-04T12:50:00.000-08:00

This knot in my stomach just won't go away.
The ever-present feeling of fear.
I talk myself out, I talk myself up,
But still I just want to disappear.
This knot in my neck just won't go away.
The ever-present feeling of weariness.
I warm myself up, I cuddle right up,
But still there is so much dreariness.

This knot in my throat just won't go away.

The ever-present feeling of sadness.

I pick myself up, I dust myself off,

But still all is see is blackness.

This knot in my hand just won't go away.

The ever present loom of the test.

I continue to study, I continue to read,

But all I can do is my best.

Practice orals

2007-11-01T21:26:00.000-07:00

Tomorrown is our first "real" oral exams. What I mean is that it is still a practice oral, but up until now it was by recent grads, not by an actual Royal College examiner. This is the first of many practice exams with him, and I am worried. As I said before, I feel that I have done okay on the exams so far. Not stellar, by any stretch, but not totally sucky. I am worried that I will really suck tomorrow. Also, I don't know how anyone else is doing. Are they all better than me, or about the same? Have they done lots of exams, or just a few like me? Are they getting better? Well, one thing is for sure: After tomorrow, I will know where I stand. Whether I feel like I will be OK, or whether I need to put in a lot of work, I will know. I went through all of the study cards I have made thus far, and even looked up a couple of extra things. Nothing else I can do now.

It is better to know.

Leaving home again

2007-10-30T14:50:00.000-07:00

I had the afternoon off today. I spent the greater part of the afternoon packing, once again. Again, I will be on the highway, travelling to an empty house. Home? No, I don't think so. Home, after all, is where the heart is. My heart is not there.
Sunday night I started to feel sad. Monday I could barely study. When I realized today that I wouldn't see Jurgen tonight (he is on call) I almost cried. I thought this was supposed to get easier?
I have been really happy here. We are living together as a family again. I love my job here. It is really a great working environment. People are all happy, working together. I feel like I make a difference. I see just how much it means to my patients when I come and see them the night before, or the morning of their surgery. I get a warm feeling when I see them comfortable in the recovery room. I really can't wait to be here, working, for real.
Maybe being by myself again will help me study, keep me focussed. If I just keep telling myself that if Iwork a little harder, it will all be over. Soon I won't have to do that awful drive again. Soon the torture will be over. That is the only thing that keeps me going. That and the knowledge that no matter what happens, at the end of June I will live here, with my family again.
So, I am leaving home again. Back to that transitory place I call Saskatoon.

October thoughts

2007-10-27T17:06:00.000-07:00

This ride, called life, is so random, so up and down. I feel like I am on an endless rollercoaster with moments of joy, pain, fear, and anger. Spinning ever closer to out of control. Here is what I mean...

Halloween: This is my favorite holiday. I love to get dressed up. Scary, pretty, cute. Something that is not me at all, but still has that bit of me underneath. In cognito. A way to disappear and be someone else for a night. So, do I have a costume? No. Do I have an opportunity to go out? Well, I might have, but I got too caught up in studying to go and get what I wanted. Also, Jurgen said he wasn't into it. Boo. yes, Boo.

Fall: Sure, it is pretty with all of the leaves turning. I like the fact that there aren't any bugs anymore. But, does it have to get so flipping cold so fast?

The exam: Always back to this. My life is consumed. Study, work, sleep, eat. Study, work, study at work, exams. Jurgen asked me if I wanted a question today at lunch while we waited for our food. I blew up at him. WHY would I want a question at lunch, in a restaurant? Sure he was just trying to be nice, but I thought it was mean. Then I felt guilty. No, not for blowing up at him, but for not wanting a question. It is like forcing yourself to do something you hate ALL the time. Does it have to be ALL the time? Can't I just have lunch in peace?

People have been asking me if I am "ready". I don't know how to answer. I mean it is October. I do have 5.5 months until my written and 7 months until my orals. Oooohh. That doesn't seem like that long. NO. I don't feel ready, but what do they want me to say? If I say that (especially here), maybe they won't want me, or in S'toon maybe they won't want me to write.

See, on one hand I am glad it is October. That means I don't have much longer to go. On the other hand, I don't have much longer to go. See the dilemma?

Frustrated studying

2007-10-17T19:23:00.000-07:00

I just haven't been motivated to study in the last couple of days. I just don't have the "fear". Now, finally when I should have had something raise the hair on the back of my neck and force me to hit the books, instead it just made me mad. Frustrated.
We have been having oral exam prep here in Regina. I have asked the newer grads to give a question to me and one of the staff people writing this year. None of my questions were stellar thus far, but I didn't suck. Today I sucked. As soon as the question came out of his mouth, I knew I didn't know the answer. Some disease I haven't even thought about in a couple of years, and I couldn't remember anything but the basics.
To make matters worse, there was a second staff guy (also writing this year) today who hasn't joined us before. He acted the whole time like he had done this all before and knew all the answers. He would say things like, "you just need to have that prepared better so it just rolls off the tongue". Yeah. No shit, Sherlock. Sure, he has written the American boards, but he hasn't done the Canadians, and they are different. He was there to learn, just like the rest of us. Otherwise, if you know it all, get the hell out. The rest of us are trying to learn here.
There comes that short temper again. Not like me.
Not to mention the fact that I am so not looking forward to going back to Saskatoon. The politics, the traumas, the little annoyances. And being away from the one person who actually "gets it", my hubby.
Well, at least my cats still love me. They don't care that I sucked today. They still ran to the door and purred when I came home. They will even still love me if I fail this stupid exam.
I love my cats...

dreaming of distant lands

2007-10-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

So, instead of studying via my computer, I was looking up far destinations via my computer. I am trying to decide where I would like to go when I am finished. Greece? Scotland? Egypt? Italy? Disney World? Somewhere else entirely? I just don't know. It seems so far away, but really when I think about it, it isn't.
I am happy here. Comforable. I dream of the day when I can go out to our cabin and not feel guilty that I am not studying. When we can stay at the lake overnight, and wake up cozy in our cottage. Ah, soon. Soon.
Maybe my vacation should be here?

Footprints

2007-10-08T19:07:00.001-07:00

Have you ever read the poem "Footprints"? It is about a person talking to God at the end of his life looking back. The end always gives me shivers: "That, my son, is where I carried you." So amazing.
I am not God (obviously), and I do not have his strength. As much as I try to carry another's weight, I falter. As much as I want to take his pain, I can't. As much as I try to make things better, it doesn't work. I am not God, but sometimes I wish I had just a tiny bit of his power so that I could take the hurt away. I am not asking for much, am I?

A good feeling... not driving

2007-09-30T18:52:00.000-07:00

What an amazing difference it makes knowing I don't have to get in a car and drive back to Saskatoon. I was able to relax this afternoon, have dinner, and now I am even studying (or should be...) and I didn't have to drive for 2.5 hours. I didn't even wake up feeling panicked today (as has become the norm), because I knew I could spend that time doing something else much more productive. Even if it is procrastinating, writing blogs and such.
This month will be great. A couple of nights of call (of my choosing) to see how things work and to have the day postcall to study. No driving back and forth. Being here with Jurgen and the girls all month, and not missing them. I may even get together with some of my old friends again. That would be fun.
As a good friend said to me on Friday, "There are definately good things about Regina".
Did I mention that I don't have to drive?!

;)

Random thoughts

2007-09-29T17:28:00.000-07:00

I am watching my kitty curled up beside my computer and marvel at how absolutely perfect she is. So soft, so cute, so peaceful. So much better than kids. Yes, this again. The no kids thing. I go round and round trying to decide if I do like/want them. What does that tell me? I am in no way ready. Which is just fine, as I would rather pass my exams than have to worry about that.

Mind games. We all play them. However, I fear them most at work. Is it truely a mind game? A way to freak me out and make me feel bad? Or is it purely my own insecurities? Who can tell?

I feel, as always, the never ending dread of my exams. Now, though, there is something else. Relief. Relief at being in Regina. Knowing that I don't have to drive 5 hours every weekend. That I can use that time to study, and not panic. How sad.

I am running again tomorrow. The "CIBC Run for the Cure". It is only 5km, but definately for a good cause. I convinced Jurgen's mom to run with me. Should be fun.

Concern, Worry, Fear. When will he start to feel better. So tired of watching him go through this and wishing I could make it better. And then resenting him because I have my own problems to deal with. I wish it would end.

I wish a lot of things would end. Especially this whole residency thing. Ah, alas, wishing my life away. I suppose I should just enjoy it. OK, I will settle for endure it.

Blogger psychosis

2007-09-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

Haven't blogged in awhile. As I said before, I have discovered "Facebook". It is much more about sharing, posting, viewing, and searching. It fills some kind of void, but it does not have the same purpose as my blog. My blog is an on-line diary, and anyone who has read it knows that I treat it as just that. I have expressed all of my feelings here, my inner secrets and fears. People who don't have a blog, I guess, don't understand that. I have always been an open book. What you see is what you get. So really, this is just an extension of that. I have been surprised, then when people almost feel guilty (or do!) reading this.

A friend came up to me the other day and said that she had found my blog. She touched my shoulder in a tender fashion, looking almost sadly at me. That was all she said, but it felt like she thought I had some kind of psychosis because of this. Some emotional disturbia, if you will.

I guess things have to be really powerful for me to want to take the time to write it down. Either really scary, really exciting, really maddening, or really sad. Otherwise, why bother? But isn't that what a diary is for? This is the venue that you can say whatever you want. Vent, get it all out. Admittedly, it is a public forum, so you wouldn't want to incriminate anyone, but you can still get out your feelings.

In a way, I think it is funny. I still sensor a lot of what I write. I don't write as much or as often as some of my other friends (and I love them for it). I felt like saying to my friend, you should see their's! It is my friends who have always shared my fondness for the arts and expression that blog. My science friends feel like they have violated my privacy by reading my blog. Just a different way of looking at things, I guess. Still funny.

So, to all of you with guilt: If I didn't think you should read this, it wouldn't be on the internet! Also, maybe I do have a psychosis (my husband thinks I do!), but as long as I am not going out and killing 12 people in a 7-11, this is the best thing for it. Just think, with this year, it is only going to get worse. Look out world - the blogger psychosis increases!!

Frustrating!

2007-08-30T15:14:00.000-07:00

Stupid mortgage. Why does it all have to be so complicated? You would think that lending money to 2 people who make decent money for their 3rd mortgage would not be difficult. Apparently not. What a pain! Glad I came home a couple of days early so that I could sort everything out!
Why they would leave signing everything to the last minute is beyond me! We are busy people. We can't just hault someone's surgery to run out and fax off some papers! And so, we finally have time, and then it is too late to send it to the lawyers.
Then, when it is finally (and I do mean finally) sent it is wrong. Saying that they won't lend us money until all of our other debt is paid off. What is that all about?! Oh, they just made a mistake. Well, fix it!
Then, insurance. We need insurance for the full amount in case something happens. Now, I think we should burn it down just to make a claim! No, but again, what a huge pain, and unexpected cost. I can see why people would not want to do all this.
I feel like all I have done today is run around, get angry, and answer phone calls. Meanwhile, Jurgen is at work feeling angry and helpless.
Well, at least our lawyer is an OK guy. He is willing to come to the hospital tomorrow so that we can get all of this signed in person.
It is done now. It better be worth it.

Anniversary Blues

2007-08-21T12:02:00.000-07:00

Today is my Anniversary. Three years Jurgen and I have been together. Three years and he is still my best friend, my role model, my lover. But, I am sad today. I was oncall last night, and about 11:30pm I got an outside page. I wasn't quick enough to get to it in time before whomever it was had hung up. Then, this morning I checked my phone and there was a text message from Jurgen saying that it was him who had tried to call, and that he hoped I had a happy anniversary. I cried. Sweet, but very sad.

Is this what we have been reduced to? Pages in the wee hours of the night and text messages. I feel like we didn't get to properly celebrate this weekend, either. Too much going on.

I miss him. I miss cuddling up next to him watching TV. I miss the way he smiles mischieviously when he knows I've caught him in the act. I miss having dinnner together. I miss waking up warm and safe, feeling like there is nothing that could possibly go wrong. I miss talking to him about the every day stuff without having to worry about phone bills, texting, or emails.

It is probably just that I am postcall. I always get emotional when I am postcall. Still, I can't help how I feel.

Happy Anniversary, Joelle.

Emotional Writing

2007-08-20T13:33:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how the only time we really express ourselves is when there is turmoil in our lives? I feel like no one wants to hear about all of the day-to-day, boring, hum-drum. People only want to hear about the sadness, the anger, the excitement, the ecstasy. Why is that? Aren't the things that happen every day to us just as important? Afterall, they happen EVERY DAY.
Well, here is an account of the ho-hum daily affairs that have occurred in the last few days.

We bought a second-hand Seadoo last weekend to go with our second-hand cabin that we bought the weekend before. We seem to be doing a lot of impulse shopping lately, and not just small stuff, either. I don't know what that is about. More impulse buying with some willow furniture for the cabin and deck furniture for the cabin. Then, this weekend, I bought some new skis (which we will probably give to Gwynn, but we have done it in such a way as to just "leave them there". Otherwise he wouldn't accept them). See the pattern?

So, we had to try all this stuff out. We went to the Lake this weekend to give the skis and the Seadoo a try (we don't have the cabin yet). The Seadoo would not work! What a major let down! We even had some of the "Lakies" giving us a hand trying to start it, and even they didn't know what the problem was. Bummer. By then, it was cold, but we thought we would give the skis a try anyway. And then, Gwynn's boat quit! Jurgen and Gwynn had to jump in the Lake and tow us back to the dock because the wind was too strong to paddle against. The world was just conspiring against us! We still enjoyed ourselves despite the lack of electronic fun.

And now? Procrastinating. I should be using this time to study, and I did for awhile, but it gets boring and frustrating. What is this question? Where is the answer? In this book? No? How about this one? Or this one? Boo hiss. Alas, this is my life for the next 10 months or so.

On call tonight. Should be OK. Man, I used to get so nervous before call. I would sit at home and perseverate about it, dreading all of the possible cases and problems. Now, I feel like I can handle it. In fact, Bring it on! The more excitement now, the better. Now, I still have back-up, later on my own, I won't. Better to experience it all now.

The kitties are with Jurgen for the next two weeks. It is amazing how quiet the house is, how lonely without them. Funny how two little furry faces who can't even talk can bring me such comfort. Ah well, it is for the best. It wouldn't be fair this week with two calls. I wouldn't have the time for them that they deserve.

So, no inflammatory comments. No sad poetry. No melodramatic overblown stories. Just my life. Just the day-to-day. Boring? Maybe. But I bet it is similar to your life. Maybe that is the power, the importance. To show that really underneath it all, we are all just the same.

Love my sugar daddy!!

2007-08-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

I love the fact that at least one of us in our family (Jurgen, Seven, Stupe, and me) is actually finished and making money. We have become real impulse shoppers lately, and not for cheap stuff, either.
We just bought a cabin at Pasqua Lake (you can check out pics at Jurgen's Facebook site). It is a crappy little cabin which we will eventually knock down and build something better, but it is ours. 100 feet of waterfront, 140 feet deep, with a little boat house and dock. All my life I have been fortunate enough to have friends who had cabins that I could help enjoy, but never one of my own. I have always wanted a cabin at the lake, and now we do. We weren't even really seriously looking, but we found one tha twas OK, and took it.
Then this weekend, Jurgen called around for a Seadoo. Again, we haven't really been seriously looking all that long or hard. He found a used one for sale, we went to look at it.... and bought it. Total impulse shopping.
And yes, Jurgen payed for it all! I love my sugar Daddy!!
Someday I will pay him back (maybe I will give him a child).

Feel's like home

2007-08-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

I have been back at work here in Saskatoon for only 4 days, and I am settling back in. I managed to weather through the first couple of days (which were awful) due to the fact that 2 of my good friends were down. Distraction is great. Then the next couple again with friends, shopping, and finally call.
I was worried that I would forget some things, that call would suck. But really, it just feels like home. Everyone I know. A place I know well. People greeting me and welcoming me back around every corner. Even during one of the "Code Blue"s there were people saying hello, that they hadn't seen me in awhile.
As much as I love being in Regina, being near Jurgen. As much as I had a great time there with all of the staff, I still like Saskatoon. It is comfortable, reliable. Like an old shoe.
And you know how much I love shoes!

apart again

2007-08-01T21:24:00.000-07:00

Tears,

rolling down my face.

Alone,

and out of place.

Lonely

and missing him.

Without,

life seems grim.
Angry

at the world today.

Why

do I have to feel this way?

Everything

just went so wrong.

This year

feels terribly long.

Scared

I might not pass this test.

My life

then would be such a mess.

Stuck

in another city.

For what

feels like an eternity.

Is this

just returning blues?

Or more

depression hues.

Will this

get better with time?

Or only

once he is mine.

Some day

we'll be back together.

'Till then

we will have to weather.

The tunnel

has a dim light.

It is there

just out of sight.

Work hard

and just stay strong.

Soon,

it won't be that long.

Study

and do cases too.

If that

will help me be with you.

Vacation

2007-07-29T20:02:00.001-07:00

We started our vacation in Kelowna. We stayed with a couple of friends from work, and then some friends I went to school with. Here is us wine-tasting at Quail's Gate. They have fantastic Ice wine!! Loved it! My newest passion

The second day we were in Kelowna, we rented a boat and motored around Lake Okanogan. It was here that Jurgen decided that he loved it here and that someday we would return for an "extended stay".One of the other lakes in the area is Lake Kalamalka. It is so beautiful like the blue of the Carribean Ocean! We spent a day on the beach. It was HOT!

This is Erika and Jeff, the second set of friends that we stayed with. They also have cats. Here we are at Mission Hill Winery for a lovely meal.

On the way to Hornby we stopped to visit with Regan and Andrew Vargo, and their two kids Emily and Liam. We spent the day ducking out of the rain in Granville Island

This is our family photo at the "Cardboard Bakery". We all biked there and then had lunch. It was fun, except for Jurgen puking on the way!
Jurgen, Me, George, Sharon, Anna, and John.

It wasn't warm enough to swim in Hornby, but one of the days we went walking along the beach. I took some great pics. Here is Melissa, Miranda, Mandy George, Jurgen, and Orest

Don't you think this looks like an alligator?!

God's country, for sure.

Having a good time

2007-07-05T16:55:00.000-07:00

I have been here in Regina for just over a month. It has really been a great experience. I feel like my armamentarium of clinical "tricks" has increased. I feel like my clinical confidence has increased. I am getting along great with the attendings, and nurses. Sure, there has been the occaisonal little bump along the way, but nothing too serious.

That being said, I am still looking forward to going on vacation. Two whole weeks driving around BC. First Kelowna, then Hornby, then...?? We are not making definate plans. We just want to be free to fly by the seat of our pants.

Also, in a way, I am looking forward to going back to Saskatoon. There are just some things that they do there that they don't do here and that I need some practice at. For example, regional techniques (especially with Ultrasound) is almost nonexistent here. Also, there are more complicated Pediatric cases. Not to mention getting back on track as far as academics is concerned.

I have an exam on Monday (the American Boards, which doesn't really count and we write every year). I have been studying, but really don't feel like I have done enough (so instead of studying, I am blogging). It is sort of the prelude to the Big Exam.

There is the ever-present dark looming cloud of the exam and the fear of failure and being unprepared, but I am definately starting to think that I can do this job. People like me, and that is really half the battle. They are a lot more willing to cut you some slack anyway.

life update

2007-06-28T21:25:00.000-07:00

Just got back from CAS (Canadian Anesthesiology Society meeting) in Calgary. Had a blast. Learned some, shopped some, drank lots. Didn't do as much "networking" as I had hoped, but did catch up with the Saskatoonians a bit, and that was great. They are like long lost family.

We got back a day early which was also great - time with the kitties and studying. Went for a long run, made a nice dinner. An overall good day.

Now studying for the upcoming ABA (the American exam, just for practice). A bit worried about it. I did SO crappy last time. My program director said, "Joelle, What happened?!" I don't really have any other excuse other than I didn't really care. This time I have to care. This is the prelude to the real thing. only 12 months left. Gotta keep it up, Gotta keep it going, Gotta finish....

This weekend catching up with the real long lost family. Have a reunion with the MacIntoshes for Grandma's 90th bday. Should be a good time.

Angry emails

2007-06-15T20:24:00.000-07:00

I am very frustrated tonight. I heard, from someone I trust, that some of the residents were unhappy about me spendind so much time in Regina because I wasn't contributing to call. I asked a colleague (someone in my year, whom I thought was my friend) if this were true. I suggested that anyone who was upset could share in the "Regina burden" (by this I meant the amount of time we are supposed to spend down here that I seem to be doing for everyone), and then they could do no call as well (NO ONE can say they like call). She wrote back and said that everyone was very unhappy and that she didn't see Regina as that good of an educational experience, and that not doing call was to my detriment and that I would come to regret it later (essentially insinuating that I would regret it because I couldn't pass my exams). She didn't think it was fair that they had to pick up my call.
I was very hurt by all of this. It was a very inflammatory email, and not something I would have done. However, in my infuriation, I wrote an email to our Program Director (copying her and my emails) discussing how I thought that this was based in no reality at all, that Regina has a lot to offer, and that my education has actually been enhanced by being here. I also said that if there was some real concern over my performance it was the first I had heard of it. Not to mention that my time in Regina was approved - by her!!
Once I had written the email and sent it, I then phoned her. I told her that I thought it was a much better educational experience for me to be in Regina and have people pick up my call, than it was for her when she took 6 months of Mat leave where we all picked up her call! What educational experience is there in that?! She tried to say how important call is, and I suggested that doing a Lap Chole at 4am was not important, nor educational.
I don't regret that email, nor the phone call. I regret that I copied it to the Head of the Department and the Academic Head here. I also regret that (because I am a nice person and felt guilty about the phone call, that I wrote her a second email later telling her that I was sorry if anything I said hurt her, that I saw her point (which was a lie) and that it wouldn't come between us (which it has). I thought I would be the bigger person and try to make amends. If someone had done that with me, I would at least reply. She hasn't.
I feel awful. Not because what I did was "bad", but because nothing was accomplished except making me feel worse. I feel like because I backed down, I look foolish.
It sucks that I was being the bigger, nicer person, and now I am the one who feels bad.
Should I have said nothing? Should I have let her get away with saying hurtful, untruths?
Should I really care?

This Residency Thing

2007-06-12T19:14:00.000-07:00

It is so tiring, this residency thing: lectures to attend, grand rounds to prepare, questions to answer, orals to complete.

It is so scary, this residency thing: crying babies, dying people, dropping blood pressures, rising heart rates.

It is so humbling, this residency thing: one day I am dynamite, the next I explode. One day a super star, one day just stupid.

It is thrilling, this residency thing: I did that arterial line, central line, epidural, induction, bronchoscopy.

It is social, this residency thing: I have met nurses, surgeons, anesthetists, internists, students, and colleagues.

It is immense, this residency thing: Probably the longest, hardest, most important thing I will ever complete.

It is almost over, this residency thing: Only 12 months and 17 days left to go!

silly emotions

2007-05-27T20:16:00.000-07:00

I feel just silly even writing this, let alone feeling it. Jurgen was here for a week (a beautiful week) and left this evening. I will be back in Regina to be with him for 2 months on Tuesday, and yet I was sad he was leaving. Sad that he was also taking the girls with him (at my request). Silly, isn't it? Only 48 hours and we will be together again. However, I couldn't help thinking about the upcoming year. 13 more months of seeing each other only on the weekends, of crossing off each day as it is over, of feeling lonely and alone. I know I can do it. I know we can do it, but it doesn't make it any easier. How do I tell him that I love him so much that I NEVER want him to leave? How do I let him know that I would give up everything just to be with him? I feel like that cheesy 80's song: "Everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you...." My heart aches, and yearns for the year to be over so that we can be together, be a family, get on with our LIVES. And yet, I know there is nothing I can do. I must simply be. I must simply do. I must simply go on. Survive.
Soon, this too, will pass.

Why my cats are better than kids!

2007-05-19T20:11:00.000-07:00

Jurgen really wants kids. Me, not so much. At least not now. I am in no rush. And here is why - Here is why my cats are better than kids.

1. I don't have to change my cats' diapers - they have a litter box.
2. My cats don't talk back or tell me they hate me.
3. If my cats don't want to be bugged by their "daddy" or whomever, they hide under the bed, they don't come whining to me.
4. I never have to worry about my cats getting pregnant, or getting someone pregnant.
5. I can leave my cats during the day, I don't need a nanny or babysitter.
6. I don't have to cook for my cats - they have an automatic feeder.
7. My cats don't complain about what I fee them - they eat cat food.
8. I can leave my cats by themselves for days by themselves - they just need food and water.
9. I always know when my cats are happy - they purr.
10. My cats are perfectly happy in any city I take them to, they don't worry about missing their friends.

Having cats is easy. Having kids is complicated.

I like easyl

great May

2007-05-17T16:03:00.000-07:00

I know May is not over, but this has so far been a really good month. I have had some of my most meaningful compliments (ie. staff saying I am "stellar", and recovery room nurses telling me that they would let me give them an anesthetic!!). I have done some really interesting cases, some hard cases, and have not been overly stressed about it. Sure, May started off terrible (two deaths my first day back), but it has gotten brighter and brighter. Jurgen comes tomorrow for a whole week! I only have one more call left, and then off to Regina for the summer (June, July). Not to mention that in July I will officially be a fifth-year, a FINAL year resident!!! Then the count down is really on!
Not only has May been great for work (which is essentially my life), but other stuff too. I ran my first 10km on Monday!! I have been working up to that for awhile and was planning to run the 10km at the end of the month. I needed to know that I could do it. And now I know I can! Maybe by the time September comes around I will be able to do 15 or more. I am running with the "Marathongers". They are the female Anesthesiologists in Regina. No, we aren't really planning to where pink thongs, but we will all have matching pink shirts and jackets!! Should be fun. If you are bored May 27th, or in September, come cheer me on!!

Blog 100

2007-05-06T17:50:00.000-07:00

This is my 100th blog. Wow. It amazes me to look back at my life and see where I have been.

I have recently joined "Facebook". I still can't say as I really understand what it is exactly, but it has been fun (although a definate timesuck). I have managed to reconnect with people I have not spoken to in years. It is funny when people ask you "what are you doing". I have trouble with that question because I feel like my life hasn't changed - I am still a resident (although almost into my final year), I still live in Saskatoon (although that feels part-time now), I am still in Anesthesiology (that one won't change), I am still married to Jurgen (I don't want that one to change), I still have two gorgeous cats (I don't want that one to change, either). It feels boring to answer the question with the same old stuff, but I guess if you haven't spoken to me in years, it is all new. Also, if you look back at my blogs, it is clear that my life is ever changing full of ups and downs. It is just the big stuff that doesn't change.

I have decided to try a few life-changing outlooks in my life. First, I am going to try to not be so self-deprecating. It is defeating, and self-fulfilling, and damaging. Not good. Other people believe in me (my Program Director even called me "stellar" the other day!), so why can't I?! Second, I am going to have an open mind. I am really going to try to learn from all of my attendings. Why do they want me to do things a certain way? Do they have a reason? Can I encoroporate this into my practice? Finally, I am going to try to be happy. Yeah, just that. No more getting sad about things I can not change, or angry about things I cannot control. That should all be simple to do, right?

Well, here is to 100 thoughts, feelings, and blogs. Here is to new outlooks. Here is to great friends found on Facebook. Here is to love, laughter, and life. Here is to marriage, friends, and family. Here is to my husband (I don't give him nearly enough credit).

Cheers.

Just One More Milestone

2007-04-29T15:20:00.000-07:00

I love this. This year has been full of last-timers/milestones/hoops to jump, and I have just completed one more. I presented my completed research project this weekend at our Bev Leech weekend. It was a great way to go out - on a high note. I won the "Best Completed Project" award!! I thought that was really ironic as my research essentially showed a negative result (the null hypothesis was true).
I will never have to do research or complete research ever again, unless I want to. That sense of relief and freedom is great!
I have very few of these milestones left to complete in my residency. One great big one, of course, is passing the exam. That I will have to attack with baby steps.
With this year (my years are still academic from July to July) almost over, I wax and wane, go back and forth. Sometimes I definately feel like if I just keep at it, I can do it. Sometimes, of course, I feel like I just can't. I am very lucky to have someone like Jurgen in my life. He definately keeps me grounded. He reminds me that some of the things that I think are "the end of the world" really are just not that big of deals. Sometimes you need that!
Lately, I have been surprising myself. I have accomplished a lot - "good cases" (ie. scary stuff), completed research, etc.. I just need to remember that things feel like they are spinning out of control that this, too, will end eventually.
Baby steps.

"Recruitment Day"

2007-04-20T16:26:00.000-07:00

OK, OK, so my life as a resident is not all bad. I had a "recruitment day", i.e a Spa Day today. It is a way for the women in the department to encourage one (me) to come to Regina. We went to Essence of En Vogue (so nice!!) and each had two treatments. We had lunch at this cute little restaurant near the hospital just before. All in all a lovely day!! I could definately get used to that!! The women are so nice in the department. The nurses this time around have been great. And, I have gotten to do some pretty incredible cases while I was here. Sure, there is stress, and some of it never quite goes away, but there are good things too. It is really nice to be desired, wanted, needed. It is also nice to know that I will fit in here. They have all been so welcoming, now I know why Jurgen was willing to leave Saskatoon so quick.

The following are some pics:

This is Allison Crichlow. She did her training in Calgary. Her husband is a Cardiologist here in the city. She is one of the ones who has encouraged me to come to Regina since the beginning.

This is Joy Dobson (right). She did her training in Calgary as well. She also does ICU. She was the first person to be candid with me and tell me not to do a fellowship (she didn't find it that useful). On the left is October McAllister. She did her training in Saskatoon. We have been friends with her for years.

This is Rhonda Zwack. She also did her training in Saskatoon a few years before October did hers. Her husband is an Emergency physician her in the city. I love her sense of fashion.

This is me and Joy. I am showing off my pretty toes. I think this should become a new tradition! Once every few months we should all go to the spa together! What a good reason to come to Regina! HHHhhmmmmmmmm... definately something to think about.

letter to my mentor

2007-04-17T17:22:00.000-07:00

How did you deal with 4th year? I remember you saying that 4th year can be fun - people let you do more, you can try stuff out, you know enough not to be a complete idiot, etc.. I agree with all of that. I have definately enjoyed parts of fourth year, but then at other times I just can't wait for it all to be over. I keep thinking that if I have to see one more time how someone does it "their way", I am just not going to try anymore. I am just going to curl up in the corner and suck my thumb.
I get frustrated when not everything goes well. I feel like I am far enough in that stuff should go well. I feel like if it doesn't go well people just think "stupid resident", and that makes it OK for them to yell at you and treat you like crap.
Then the drowning feeling (which will only get worse, I know). The overwhelming feeling that things are fast spinning out of your control. Questions, orals, research, talk rounds, Journal club, cases, application to the Royal College. It seems like there is never enough time. And 5th year is getting closer and closer and closer and the train is going faster and faster and faster. Gotta get it done, gotta get it done, gotta get it done. Can't you just hear the wheels churning?
Can I do this? I don't know. I think so. Am I good at this? Sometimes I definately think do. Can I pass? I am just not sure? What will I do if I don't? Again, the picture of curling in the corner and sucking my thumb comes to mind....

So, the question is: Did you feel like this? How did you cope? What advice do you have? Do I need medication, or is this all normal?

stressful vacation?

2007-04-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

I am supposed to be on vacation all this week, but I am still feeling stressed. It occurred to me last night (at 11pm) that I need to start working on my "assessment for training" application - the first step in a long process towards my FRCPC. Then I started thinking about all the other stuff I need to do: Questions (sure, I was ahead because the guys did nothing while I was in Calgary, but I haven't done much since I returned), my research project (can't find any of the info that Jon was talking about), prepare for my oral exam in May (need to review my cards, make new ones, and do prep exams). I feel a tiny bit of the flutter in my chest that I am sure will become a constant occurence next year. It is only going to get worse. My solution? Take my books and my computer with me to TO. At least I can get a little bit done while Jennie is at work. That makes me feel a bit better, although frustrated that I can't even enjoy a simple week off. Sigh....

Rules for children

2007-04-01T20:53:00.000-07:00

I am blogging tonight to let everyone (or someone) know how I feel about the newest "racism", for lack of a better word. It seems that people who do not have children (like me) are being treated as lesser individuals. Is this "Children of Men" or something? We are people too. We are just as valuable as those who do not have children. Yes, some day I may decide to have children, but until that day Iwill strive to be the best person I can be - in my work, in my recreation, in my family (family does not always mean kids). If you make a commitment to whatever, be it job or kids, it does not mean that you let all other commitments slide. Nor, does it mean that different rules apply to people with kids than without. I am just as valuable. In fact, at this point, to society I may be more valuable. I don't have teacher interviews to attend, I don't have to suddenly leave because my kids are sick, I don't have to sink money into RESPs but at the same time contribute with my taxes to education. Children are wonderful. I reiterate that someday my wonderful hubby and I will probably have children. The world cannot go one without children. I would even like to promote a large part of my practice to children. I have nothing against children per se. I just don't think different rules apply to you if you do have children.

Happiness is...

2007-03-29T10:06:00.000-07:00

Getting to sleep in before call.
Waking up with both of my kitties.
Warm coffee.
Lying in the sun with Stupe on my chest purring.
Knowing that I leave for a month with Jurgen tomorrow.
Knowing that in 6 days I leave for TO with Jennie.
Going to the ballet with my mother.
Sunshine.
Fresh air.
Nachos.

Overreaction

2007-03-22T18:45:00.000-07:00

OK. OK. So maybe I overreacted last night with Jurgen's comment. I suppose I can see that now. He thinks he is funny. We have a difference of opinion.
I am just feeling sorry for myself. I hate being sick. Fatigued, nauseated, unable to breathe. Sigh.
It didn't help that I went to work today hoping for an easy day with a great attending, and Fate did not deliver. My attending was still great - Love Dr. K. Stewart! However, the easy day ended just before noon when our anesthetic consisted of muscle relaxant and kind words. The guy was from ICU and firmly trying to die on us. The anesthetic was purely a rescusitation, not a true anesthetic. Exhausting, and emotionally draining. I did learn from the case (as I am trying to do with everything these days), so not a total loss. Krissie (my attending) then sent me home (bless her).
I talked to Jurgen. It is better. We are better.
I just need a vacation.

Sick Day

2007-03-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

Jurgen has been sick 4 times in 8 months. I don't know if it is related to the amount that he works, that he doesn't sleep enough or eat well enough, or if it has to do with the fact that he has an IgA deficiency. Anyway, he is sick a lot. I walk around flaunting the fact that I never get sick. Oh, I can share your drink, kiss you, I won't get sick. It has finally caught up with me. It started on Monday night on call with just the sniffles, then sneezes. Today (Wednesday) I woke up feeling yucky. Classic cold - stuffy runny nose, sneezing, headache, fatigue. I thought seriously about going to work, but in the end I decided I needed a "sick day".

It was actually a productive day - got lots of studying done, but also, the usual sick day stuff. It was more what Annabelle calls a "mental health day". We all need those once in awhile. Lets you get "reset" and caught up mentally. The only think that would have made this day a perfect sick day would have been having the girls here (they are with their Dad).

All was well, until just now. I just got off the phone with Jurgen (on call) and now am mad. He was talking to me in the OR. We were having a normal conversation, and I was really interested in his day, when he brings up the fact that he thinks he should have his own chair in the OR (one especially made for him). OK, like I really give a care. He can look like a total loser if he wants to. Besides, I wouldn't be paying for it anyway. However, to bring it up in front of the nurses makes me look like I do care, and I am the one preventing it. I told him he shouldn't do that because it makes me look like a bitch. He says, "well, if the shoe fits.." Hardy har har, oh so funny. So, I hung up.
He is such a child! It is that kind of crap, that creates anamosity between me and the Regina people. They start to think that I am just this awful controlling person (how much control do I have when I can't even get my husband to stay in the same city as me?!), and then when I come there that is how they will treat me. Does he not want me to come there? Does he want it to be awful for me? Does he want me to be the catalyst that will take us out of this province? Does he want me around at all?
Maybe I am reading too much into all of this, but when you are at home, sick, feeling sorry for yourself, that is not exactly how you want to be treated.
Men suck

I hate computers

2007-03-13T15:49:00.000-07:00

Short post, I promise.
Jurgen was using my computer Sunday, came running down and said I couldn't use it anymore. While he was using it, it apparently started to smoke. I didn't see it. It has never happened to me. I am not sure I believe him.
I have been wanting a new computer, so I thought what a great opportunity to get one. We shopped all over (quickly) for one and I finally bought one at this place. I discover (stupid me) as I am paying for it that it is actually refurbished. I wouldn't have bought it if I had known this, and it is now too late (they don't take them back). Then they tell me that they can take my hard drive out and put it externally and I will be able to access it from there. They alos say that I can still use my other computer. Oh, and I am able to get a Vista upgrade too.
Yeah, the upgrade? No one seems to know how to do it, but they all claim I am eligible. I have phoned 3 different places in two different countries to no avail.
Then, I am using my computer and the stupid mouse is too "twitchy" and it keeps jumping ahead. So, I go buy this cool wireless one, and now can't figure out how to even put the stupid batteries in! I don't want to break it, but can it really be that hard?
Oh, and so the hard drive. Yeah, plugged it in, can't find anything. All of my documents seem to be gone. And does my other computer work now? NO!!
Like I said, the computer never did anything to me. Sure, it was slow, and had a few bugs, but it was definately better than this piece of crap!
Yeah, computers are not my strong point. OK, I am clueless when it comes to hardwear and softwear and all that, but at least I could get it to do what I wanted it to. Now I am just stuck. I wish I had never bought this stupid computer.
Even our wireless now doesn't work, so I am at the plug in.

GGGGGGggggggggrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

Our Banff trip

2007-03-10T14:57:00.000-08:00

This is a little late, as I have already posted, but I still wanted to post some pics of our trip to Banff. We had a romantic weekend filled with skiing, great food, and a jacuzzi tub! It was fantastic!

These are some of the animals we saw. Above, are some deer that were up the mountain. Below, are some caribou who were hanging out in the park right near our hotel. Apparently, they are there a lot. Such beautiful animals!!

My next journey will be to TO to visit Jennie. That trip will hopefully be filled with great food, good times, and shopping (no jacuzzi this time, sorry boys)! Stay tuned for more pics!

first week back to St Paul's

2007-03-09T08:11:00.000-08:00

My first week back in Saskatoon has been an exciting and exhilarating one. I was worried about coming back, but worried specifically about being at SPH. It is different there, more surgeon driven, often anesthesia unfriendly. I have had some bad experiences there before.

This week was different. I don't know whether it is this new attitude I am attempting to adopt, or what, but even though I did some scary stuff, I felt it went well. Tuesday, I heard through the grapevine that there was a patient with a ruptured AAA (the biggest artery in the body) coming in. Now normally they have a mortality rate of almost 100%, some don't even make it to hosptial. This guy did, and I wanted to be there. I asked the attending (who is not always the nicest person) if I could stay (as it was at the end of the day) to help. He agreed, and it turned out really well. He was good to me, I was helpful, I feel like I learned a lot, and I wasn't 100% overwhelmed. It is always comforting to see people whom you respect struggle with the same things that you do. God was on our side that night. We made it off the table, made it to ICU, and they are planning on taking his breathing tube out today!! I would like to think that I helped make a difference and even aided in saving this man's life (even if others are not as impressed as all that).

I then stayed to do another case with this attending. A case that we don't get to see very often, but not as scary. I think he was impressed that I was showing initiative. Makes me happy that I may be able to handle some of that stuff as well now. I didn't get home until 9pm (having been there since 7am), and was exhausted after, but it was definately worth it.

Wednesday was Pain Clinic. Makes me realize that I don't want to do that full time, but it could potentially be a nice break from the OR, at least I would get to look nice once in awhile (instead of just in PJs all the time). The patients are, however, a bit nuts.

Finally, Thursday was a great day with an attending who is super nice and basically let me run the room and do my own thing. Today, Friday is a "bank day" at SPH and so I didn't have to go. Gave me some time to study, Blog, and get organized. I still have to go back for "half day", but that is always enjoyable.

All in all, a good week to start of with.

Home again, home again. Jiggedy jigg.

2007-02-28T17:16:00.000-08:00

I am done my month of Peds Anesthesia at the Alberta Children's Hospital. I had a very good time, and I feel like I learned a lot. It is, however, great to be back in the land where people know and trust me, rush hour takes minutes, and it is cold and flat. God bless Saskatchewan!! I missed this place.

I spent my day pretending that I was Jurgen's housewife - cleaning, doing laudry, grocery shopping, and finally cooking dinner. I could get used to that, but I think it would get old after awhile.

I still am plagued by the same fear that I am sure all residents at my stage are plagued with - Can I do this by myself when I am done? I see Jurgen, tired and sick, working so hard. He tells me about the cases that he is doing and I often think, "Holy crap! What would I have done?" Sometimes I just don't know. I would like to think that when it came down to it, I would know, but it scares me nonetheless. I guess that is why they say that this year is all about cases. Do more, see more, so that when you are on your own you will at least have seen it once before.

I am looking forward to the day when I am comfortable with what I do. I am looking forward to the day when the biggest worry will be what time I will get home to make supper for my family. I am looking forward to the day when my life is no longer "on hold".

blissful moment

2007-02-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

I would just like to say that for a brief moment yesturday I was quite possibly the happiest that a person could possibly be.
I was cuddled up in my very comforable bed in Regina, covered in a warm cozy blanket, with my "family" all there. Spooning me was my very lovable, sometimes charming, always hilarious husband. Lying in the space (if there was one) just between our bodies was our youngest cat, Stupe, purring happily. Lying cuddled in my spoon and half asleep was our older cat, Seven, also purring. Ah, so warm, so cozy, so perfect. I kept laughing and turning to tell Jurgen how completely happy at that moment I was. He would grin and respond with kisses. I wanted it to never end. Alas, we eventually got up to face the day.
It is moments like this that you hold on to and save. They keep you grounded, keep you sane, keep you happy. Even in the dark moments there is still the memory of the most perfect Saturday morning.
MMmmmm warm kitties. MMmmmm warm husband. I can't think of anything I would rather do!

Calgary Children's

2007-02-10T16:55:00.000-08:00

I have been in Calgary for the last 10 days (well, other than today, as I came home to Regina for the weekend). It has been an interesting experience to say the least. I was really expecting to hate my time here and be completely unhappy (glass half empty?), but I have been pleasantly surprised. I have discovered that I may not know everything yet and still have a way to go before I am comfortable, but I am good at my job. I have been told several times here (as well as at home) that I am very good with the patients. So important when they are under the age of 18!
I was thrown into a "resident room" (a room with very little supervision, essentially my own room) my second day. I have done fiberoptic intubations on kids less than 5. I have done craniotomies (which included arterial lines and central lines), given an anesthetic to a child who's age brings him to not even being full term yet, and plan to do another big case on Monday.
Outside the OR, my friends in Calgary have risen to the occaision to make sure that I am distracted enough not to miss my family in Regina. We have been to the Farmer's market, to Kensington, and out for supper. I am planning to venture out to Ikea, Chinook Centre, and more dinners out.
Of course, coming home to Regina and seeing Jurgen and "the girls" really helped. Then, next weekend Jurgen comes and we go to Banff for the long weekend. Then, call and three days later I come back to regina for 4 days.
The only thing that has really sucked while being in Calgary has been the driving. The first couple of days I was really unhappy, taking forever to get home, getting lost all the time, and feeling lonely. I still get lost, but, luckily, Jurgen is giving me his GPS to take back.
Well, this just proves that with low expectations and a little perserverence I can do anything!!

That old feeling again

2007-01-23T15:59:00.000-08:00

I wanted to post right away before the feeling was gone.... It was back today, how I used to feel about Anesthesia. I had a fantastic day today. Not easy cases either, all kids. First a cleft palate repair on a 7 month old, then a little 3 weeker for a hernia, and we ended our day with a bronchoscopy and foreign body removal on a 2 year old. I really felt like I was able to bond with the children. All of my plans for their anesthetics were agreed upon by the staff. I had lots of compliments from the nurses, my staff, and even the surgeon!! This is what I rememeber. This is why I love my job. The thrill of knowing that I gave a great anesthetic, made a difference, and helped to make all of these kids feel better. Knowing that going that extra mile is noticed, not just expected.

It was a little different than I remember, too. This time I was able to think ahead a bit. I was able to see the big picture. Maybe it helps to think, this could be an exam question. Or maybe it is just preparation and confidence. Those have definately improved.

Maybe the light is there. Maybe I CAN do this. I needed this boost. I needed a day where I had great nurses, a great staff person, and cases where I could shine. Sometimes that is all you need.

In the memorable words of the "little engine that could"... I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Sunday

2007-01-21T14:30:00.000-08:00

Sunday. I hate Sundays. Parts are good. Laughing right out loud while watching "So, I married an axe murderer". You know, lines about the "Pentariddon" and the addictive substance in KFC chicken, "a piper down", and the bit about the "big head like Spudtnik"! So funny!! I run upstairs because I think that Jurgen would think this was just as funny as I do, jump in bed and give him 100 kisses, laughing. He laughs, but thinks I'm wierd. Going for lunch, and doing what we seem to do every weekend, get a coffee at Starbucks and do some shopping.

Then, as the sun starts to get lower in the sky and it is no longer warming my house, he says he has to leave. I sit and stare out the door wondering how long I can do this? How long can I swing between the sheer joy of being together, and the complete destruction and depression of being apart? The sadness of knowing that I have to wait 5 more days just to get a glimpse of my husband in between his weekend of call. Knowing that after that it will be three weeks before we see one another again. Even Stupe was upset, although really for a different reason. She freaked out, ran, and hid under the bed. She wasn't sad he was leaving. No, she was just scared she would have to get in a car and go with him. Little does she know, she still has five days left.

My favorit day of the week is Friday. Fridays are short work days where half of the day is spent "learning" (or at least pretending to). Fridays are also generally the day when one of us drives to see the other. The driving is monotonous, just a means to an end, but the end result is what I look forward to. I don't even mind driving so much. It gives me a chance to think, really think. Also, I can listen to the music I like and sing my heart out! Funny what that does for the soul.

So, I while away the time, keep myself busy, work, study, and wait. Passing the time until the next Friday, dreading the next Sunday.

feelings without stories

2007-01-15T14:16:00.000-08:00

I don't know why I am like this. One day, I am fine, feeling good, working hard, getting things accomplished. The next day I feel sad, alone, defeated. My situation doesn't change, so why does the way I feel? Is this just loneliness, or real depression? Is it just a sense of hopelessness and frustration that will pass in time? I worry that even after my situation changes and I am finally where I think I am that I will still feel this way.
Anxiety, definately. Dread, for sure. Anger, lately. Betrayal, lately. Loneliness, mostly.
Happiness, sometimes. Excitement, before. Friendly, often. Love, most definately.
These are the emotions devoid of the stories. Does it help? I am not sure. Writing does, talking does. Thinking that maybe someone reading this, "gets it" does.

2007-01-11T15:06:00.000-08:00

Back in Sasktoon, waiting and watching the clock tick the days by. Keeping busy with work. Now in Peds Anesthesia. Not as scared of them this time. Trying out new things. Trying to find what will work in "my practice".
That sounds funny, "my practice". That still feels so far away. I got a little closer today. Worked my first day as an independent practionner at the Surgicentre. They do plastic surgery there, and some Worker's Comp. ortho stuff. The residents who work there generally do the plastics (it doesn't pay as well). I was so terrified all last night and then this morning. What if something happens? What if I screw up? Once I got in there I realized, I can do this. I do this every day. This is what all this silly training is for anyway. It was kind of cool actually, to be totally in charge making the decisions. It will be even cooler when I get paid.
I used to think I was such a strong person, but now I think I am not. I was dreading this day at the Surgicentre because it is unknown and new. Just like I am dreading going to Calgary in Feb. Jurgen understands because he feels the same way, that is why he doesn't understand me going off to do electives. Even though I hate it, and am dreading it, I think it will be good for me. Stretch my limits a bit, make me think outside the box, help me to grow on my own and work on my independence. Hopefully, with a little shopping and skiing, I will have some fun too!

Cuba trip

2007-01-06T15:26:00.000-08:00

Here are some pictures from my recent family Cuba trip. Enjoy! I sure did!!

This is the Family on Varadero's beach checking out where the "locals" would swim.

This is Jason in his wetsuit. He thought the water that day was just too cold!! Some girls from Calgary let him have it, but soon forgave him after a few shots of tequila!!

This is a shot from the hotel where Ernest Hemingway stayed while in Cuba.

Jurgen and I on New Year's Eve.

All the Maslany girls!

Jurgen and his devil. He wants to get a statue like this for the living room. I don't think so....

Dad and Jay on the beach with a hat given to us by the one of the gardners. We thought the "grio" was very appropriate for SK summers!

Maslany Family on New Year's Eve.

A year's review

2007-01-02T18:20:00.000-08:00

Another year over.... What can I say? Well, to start with, we just got back from a week in Varadero, Cuba, with our whole family - Jurgen's parents and sister, my parents, my brother and his wife. It was such a fantastic time - Snorkelling, Havana, the flea market in Varadero, the beach, the water, the sun. I loved it! It was so wonderful to spend all of that quality time with our family. It really helps one focus on what is important.

Looking back over the rest of the year, there have been many ups and many downs experienced. Biggest up: My amazing husband accomplishing the most important thing to him and finishing his residency. He loves his new job, and knows it was all worth it. Biggest down: My amazing husband moving away from me to Regina. I am counting the days until we can be together for good again (17 months and 29 days).

Thank you to all of you in my life for making every day special and help making great memories! Here is to another year!

Happy holidays

2006-12-25T11:55:00.000-08:00

It sounds so cliche, but it's true. Christmas really is about family. It isn't about presents, it isn't about decorations. It isn't even about the "Christmas Feast of roast beast". Family is what counts. I was blessed this year to have almost my whole family with me for Christmas this year. We hosted early, as we are leaving for Cuba with, again, almost my whole family tomorrow. Despite the fact that I seem to have absolutely no clue how long it takes to cook a turkey, everyone still had a good time. Thank goodness that I remembered to have snacks. A little bit of shrimp ring can tide almost anyone over. I was proud of my family. Usually we are a bit dysfunctional around the holidays, and everyone was fairly well behaved. It was a lovely evening. I hope that we can continue the festive feeling for the next week in Cuba.
To anyone who still reads this...
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year....
And God bless us, everyone.

Worry makes me Work

2006-12-09T09:16:00.000-08:00

It has always been that way (at least since I have been in Post-Secondary), if I didn't worry (or freak out as my hubby calls it), I didn't care. At least no enough to work really hard and accomplish something. When I worry, I work hard, and then I do OK. Yes, Jennie, another defence mechanism (but one that works!).

My oral exam was on Friday. It was just a practice one (the realy one is 18 months away), but I really wanted to do well. I thought last time I had done really poorly, so it as important to me to do OK. I had the most awesome examiners (two attendings I actually consider friends), so that helped. One of them gave me the hugest compliment, she said that she thought I was at now where she was at the beginning of her final year!

So, in my mind, worrying, freaking out, and just plain putting it in high gear really helped. I think it also helps to have something to look forward to. This time it was a massage at Riverstone (I highly recommend it if you are in S'toon). For the real one, it will be a trip. I am going to see if maybe I can convince Jurgen to plan it.

Now, I just need to keep this up for 18 more months.
I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.......

Izzy's muffins

2006-12-04T15:48:00.000-08:00

I have just realized that I am "Izzy" from Grey's Anatomy. I, like her, find baking/cooking very calming. I am feeling a little calmer about my upcoming exam for a couple of reasons: I have kicked it into high gear and I have really been studying, Jurgen has been asking me mock questions and I am getting better, I am starting to remember/realize that this is just Practice, and I just made a great batch of cornmeal cranberry muffins.
Today helped me to not be so nearsighted as well. I worked with Jurgen today and we did procedures in the radiology department. We had a minor complication with one of our techniques that could have turned into a major disaster. That puts things into perspective: Someone's health (and worrying about that) is much more important than one silly exam.
Another lesson from today's experience that will help with the exams and life; Constant vigilance. Never let your guard down. Keep on top of things, no matter what.
AAAhhh, if only life were that simple. Alas, that is what keeps it all so interesting.

e-mail to Jen

2006-11-29T18:57:00.000-08:00

This is an email that I sent to my very good friend Jennie. It describes how I have been feeling:
As I told Jurgen, I am just frustrated. I just want to be able to give an anesthetic. If people want me to do it their way, fine, I can do that. If they want me to do it my way, then they should shut the hell up and let me do it. Saskatoon was frustrating for different reasons than Regina - mostly because I missed Jurgen terribly, hated driving back and forth, and he is not good on the phone. Here it is about really wanting to impress people so that they will like me for me and want to hire me for me, not just because I am married to Jurgen. Then, when I work with them and they criticize things that would just be standard in Saskatoon, it is frustrating. Especially when some of their reasoning doesn't make sense, and when some of it is wrong. I have figured out that I could live/work here. I have figured out that my relationship with Jurgen is not doomed. I have also had just about enough... I think it is time to go back to Saskatoon. At least there if they are criticizing me, it is likely because I am just being stupid. And if they tell me something, likely they are telling me what is right (although not always). I know it will be difficult to get through this year, but I also know that I will love my job WHEN i AM FINISHED. I just have to get there. The tunnel is still long, with very little light.

Regina has been great. I like the people here, I like the cases here, I love my house here, I LOVE my hubby here. It is time for a break, and then back to Saskatoon for more learning and getting on with things. Come one, count down!!

Everything new

2006-11-05T13:05:00.000-08:00

Even though I have been here before, it all seems new. Even though I have met these people before, they all seem strange. New hospital, new machine, new chart, new protocols, new nurses, new doctors. It is so frustrating starting anew again. I hate that feeling of having to prove yourself to everyone all over again. This time it is worse. I am "Dr. Maslany's wife", I am looking for a job, I am a "senior resident", I have something to prove. Who I am proving it to? The nurses? The surgeons? The anesthetists? My husband? Myself? All of the above? Once again the black cloud of doubt rises over my head.... Can I do this? Do I have the knowledge, the skills? Will I be good at my job? Will I fit in here? I like it, I really do. Yes, I am hard on myself, I know that. It is just because I want to be GOOD, really good. Great. Fourth day in and my heart still pounds with the mere thought of going to work. Does it ever change? Does it ever get easier?

a list for me

2006-10-24T13:19:00.000-07:00

I am going to try really hard to be a nicer/better/happier person. Here are a list of goals:

1. exercise more - I feel great after I exercise so I should use this as an outlet.
2. study more - I will feel less guilty if I do this.
3. try to cut Jurgen more slack - he is the most important person in your life, why don't you treat him like that.
4. try not to "wish my life away" - I will finish residency, it will just take time, and wishing it away won't help.
5. try to do one thing just for me everyday.
6. tell Jurgen I love him more often (see second part of #3)
7. cuddle my kitties once a day - doesn't that purring sound make everyone smile?
8. try to phone a family member or friend more often to chat - they are important in your life too.
9. drink more water or healthy drinks like green tea
10. eat healthy.
11. spend less on stupid stuff.
12. don't by stupid stuff for Jurgen - just because you like it, doesn't mean he will.
13. take more deep cleansing breaths - if you are feeling like you are going to explode, this will help.

yes, I know that this is a long list. I may not be able to accomplish them all, but they are goals to work on a little at a time. That is why they all say "try". I am going to print a copy of this to keep with me as encouragement. Let's see if it works!

Obs and Family

2006-10-22T19:37:00.000-07:00

I am finally starting to adjust to my life. This life of being a "senior" resident. This life of living apart from my husband. This life of stresses.

I am anjoying my Obstetrical Anesthesia rotation much more than I thought I would. The whole process of bringing new life into the world is absolutely incredible. I only have a small role to play, but an important one. Not only do I love being able to take someone who is out of control with pain and 15 minutes later see the smile on their face as they are finally able to relax for a bit, but helping someone through a stressful and often scary event by keeping them comfortable and composed, and having both events culminate in the greatest miracle. The miracle of life. No wonder my friends Christine and Angela love their jobs as much as they do. I couldn't do what they do (Obs), but I love my part in all of it.

Again, I have the tiniest feeling when I see all of these tiny faces and hands and feet: I have so much love to give. Could I love one of these little, helpless, humans? What would I be like as a parent? But then the smart part of me takes ahold, the driven part: Are you crazy? You are having problems coping now with studying, exams, etc.! This is not the time! That part always wins. As I said, it is a TINY feeling. Fleeting really.

The thought does help me think about what is really important in life: Family. Even if that family happens to be two furry little faces who run to the door when I come home. Even if that family happens to live over 250km away. Even if that family is sometimes so different from me I can barely believe we are related. You can't pick your family, but you are sure glad about the ones you have.

It is funny how life tries to teach us different lessons. Through work, books, experiences. You just have to choose to listen.