A new appreciation

Had my surgery yesturday. It was all sort of strange. We showed up at 11:30, only to be told that my surgery wasn't actually until 2:30. So there we sat, waiting. It seems to me that one does a lot of waiting in the healthcare system. Nothing comes without some kind of wait. I hate waiting.

Luckily, my husband was there. He was bored, I could tell, but true to his nature he kept me entertained and in good spirits with stupid comments and funny stories. I don't know what I would have done if he hadn't have been there. More waiting, I guess.

The nurse who checked me in was a little strange. She was really nice, don't get me wrong, but said some things that were weird. She was talking about breast lumps and how some of them turn to cancer, and how sometimes people were surprised, and how even if one didn't have a family history it could still be bad, etc. I felt like she was essentially saying to me, "Oh, that lump in your breast, it is totally cancer. Didn't you know?" She definately didn't make me feel any better about the whole situation.

Going to the OR was weird, too. First the porter wouldn't let me take my MP3 player in when I KNOW it isn't a big deal. I won of course. Then he parked me outside the OR where I did more of that whole waiting thing. Unfortunatley it was right in the thick of things and people I know kept coming by and looking at me sort of funny, as if to say, "what is she doing here? Shouldn't she be GIVING the anesthetic, not GETTING it?" That was how I felt, too. The waiting there was definatley the worst waiting of all. The anticipation was awful. I kept going over all of the bad things that could go wrong. The only thing that kept me from jumping off that stretcher and running out the door was that silly MP3 player that they almost didn't let me bring in. Soothing music can do so much.

Once things were finally underway, I felt like such a loser. I tried really hard not to move, and not to react, but pain is a powerful thing. I was awake, but had some fun drugs on board, but you can't control how your body reacts to certain stimulations. I will spare you the gory details. Suffice it to say, that I remember a surprising amount and wish I didn't, but still would rather go this way than have a general. The most hazy part was the end - how did I get back onto the stretcher? When did they put on the bandage? Who put my MP3 player in my lap? Who was it who actually drove me to the recovery room. All very strange, not remembering that.

I can't believe how weak and drugged I felt when I got back to Day Surgery. When they finally came by to get me up to pee (they won't let you leave until you do), all I could do was to put one foot in front of the other and focus on not falling over. Success, and we finally got out of there at 6:00 in the evening!

I have a new appreciation of what patients go through. The waiting. So much waiting. What if they had cancelled my surgery after all of that waiting? Why did the nurse feel she needed to convince me that everything wasn't OK? I am sure that all people are nervous, and sometimes I feel like it is worse because I know what is going on, but maybe the fear of the unknown is worse. Perhaps that is why so many people decide to have a general instead of some type of regional.

I am glad it is all over. Thank you to all of you who phoned, sent flowers, or did something special to let me know you were thinking about me and that you cared. You know who you are. I am blessed. I feel so loved.