Hard to be angry

I have been dealing with a lot of anger in the last week or so. It all stemmed from what I found last Saturday when I was finally able to take off the bandage. I thought I had though about all of the possible complications that could happen. What if I bled, what if I got an infection, what if they had to put me to sleep, what if they lost my airway, what if the meds made me puke... but I wasn't prepared for what actually happened. I took off the bandage, and what did I see? The incision was on the wrong side! On the correct side of my body, but on the wrong side of my breast! I thought I was going to be sick. I never thought that could ever happen.

So, I have been ruminating over this for a week. I couldn't get in to see my surgeon until today. I have ben thinking that maybe there was a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. Maybe I just don't understand the surgery, or something. And yet at the same time, I was angry. How could this have happened to me? Did she not read the ultrasound? Couldn't she feel the lump? I sure as hell could, and still can! Then at the same time I was feeling guilty. I shouldn't be having all of these awful thoughts about her when there is a perfectly reasonable explanation.

Today was finally the day when I could find out what really happened. In a way, I feel vindicated. I am not on crack. They really were on the wrong side. They really did not take out the right lump. I don't know what they took out, but it wasn't the right part. I am allowed to be angry and have every right to be.

Except after talking to my surgeon it is hard to be angry. She completely admitted fault for everything, took full responsibility, and apologized profusely. She even made a couple of jokes. She felt really awful, you could tell.

I keep thinking about how I would feel if the roles were reversed. I know I would feel awful. And as horrible as this is, and it is a medical ERROR (not a complication, but a mistake), it is just horrible that it happened to me. I have had all week to be angry and upset and horrified, but now I am over it (mostly) and just need to go back, have a second surgery and get on with my life.