coming home

I'm done! A month of living in "squalor" in a dorm room with yelling students, hard beds covered in plastic, and no temperature control - done. Not to mention my rotation. I did learn a lot, and definately feel more comfortable with neonates now, but I will not miss the politics. That department is SO dysfunctional. They really need to work that out.

As for Jurgen, he has not signed on the dotted line, but may as well have. His last order of business tomorrow morning before we head back home is to have a "site visit". It is basically just a meeting with the VP of the College of Medicine, the head of Recovery, the OR, and and the Preassessment Unit. Merely a formality.

We have decided not to build a house like we were thinking. We are still going to buy a house here in Regina, but it won't be anything extravagant. Just a little townhouse like we have now. I just wasn't ready to commit to something that big. It just seemed too permenant. At least this way Jurgen still has a nice place to live, somewhere where I can come and live when I am in Regina, and we don't have to live in a dorm or with his parents (always a plus)

As for the thoughts about fellowships and where I want to live in the future....

Only the future knows the answer.

sleepless nights

I don't know how much more I can take.

So many sleepless nights.

Lying there, tossing and turning, thinking.

Can't shut my brain off.

Can't make my body lie still.

Just want to scream out loud.

But won't that just wake me up

if I ever really do get to sleep?

A dream, what does it mean?

I had a horrible dream last night. Jurgen, his sister, his parents, and I were running away from some people. We all got separated and had to take different boats (I know, this isn't making much sense, but dreams never do). Luckily, I was on the same boat as Jurgen and we could see Anna. When we got off, we were all rejoicing about our good fortune at having escaped these awful people. Then a messenger came and told us that the final boat had been lost, and all of the people on it were dead. Everyone had written notes to their loved ones before embarking and so we were able to see the notes written from Jurgen's parents. I don't remember what exactly was in the notes, but the next thing I knew I was waking up sobbing. Sobbing.
What does this mean? Is running away representative of the persecution I feel in my own life? Is being on separate boats from Jurgen's family about how I feel slightly separated from them? And what about Jurgen's parents? And the notes? Maybe it doesn't mean anything. Maybe it is just me having watched too many movies. Maybe it was just my subconscious needing an outlet, a release, just a good cry. Who knows?
It was disturbing nonetheless.

NICU

I started my neonatal intensive care rotation yesturday. I am really of two minds of the whole situation. On one hand (and a word of warning as this may shock many who read this) I think the babies are really cute when they are that small and helpless and think maybe I could have one. On the other hand, I think about how they aren't supposed to be that small and how much work a normal baby is let alone a premie. The nurses do such a fantastic job of looking after these babes, but when they finally get to go home it is not a 12 hour shift for mom.
As for the rotation itself, so far it is going OK. Everyone seems really receptive to having me there. A lot of the nurses and intensivists remember me (is this a good thing, or bad? I don't know) and seem willing to let me do stuff. It doesn't hurt that I keep reminding them that I am here with my husband who is potentially being recruited to work here in July. We are a package deal, after all.
The only thing bad about being here is the social stuff. We are living in the residence on campus in Regina. That is not so fun. I remember how much fun university was, but I am done with all of that. Being woken up at 2:00 am by screaming students is not fun. It is definately a far cry from our townhouse in Saskatoon. Also, I miss the girls. They are staying at the "grandparents' house" in the Jaw. I wonder if they will even know who we are when this is all over. It is only for a month, so that is good. It will just make us appreciate home all the more.