More of the same

I just read my most recent blog before I started this one. What can I say now? More of the same, unfortunately.

I was feeling really good about things. I really felt like I had progressed. I really felt like I had a real chance of passing this stupid exam. I guess I should have blogged then. Unfortunately, one never feels like venting when they are happy.

We have 2 weeks left to prepare for this exam. At this point people have told us we should start to scale back a bit. Slow down with getting questions. Or, at least get questions from people that you know won't scare you too bad. We should have listened.

We just had a session wiht an attending whom I don't much like to begin with. He wrote his exam quite a while ago now, and obviously doesn't know the format. His questions may be true to both real life and the exam (except the format, and prompting), but I didn't find them useful. I can make myself depressed, thank you. I don't need you to tell me at this point that I suck.

I am so tired of continually feeling beat down. I am so tired of feeling depressed. I am tired of crying. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of feeling that no matter what I do I will only disappoint myself and everyone around me.

The sun was shining today. My cats went out and enjoyed the day. I was thinking how wonderful it will be to sit outside and enjoy the day. How lovely it will be to go to the lake, read something other than Anesthesia, do something other than study or feel guilty about not studying.

I guess no matter what happens I will be able to do that. If things go well, perfect. If things do not go so well... I can cross that bridge then, but at least I won't have to be a resident anymore. At least I can still move to Regina and live with my husband (poor guy thinks he has married a crazy person). Heck, I can even still work and bill. It is then that I can make the decision about writing it again or not.

A warning to anyone reading this: Be wary of what you wish for, it might not be what you think. Would I do what I had wished for and do this all again? Not a chance in hell. I would work in a flower shop.