needing something different

I am trying to be positive these last few weeks, I really am, but I am finding it very hard. It is not in my nature to tell someone off when they piss me off, and I wish it was. All I end up doing is stewing about it later. I come up with all sorts of snappy come backs after the fact, but never at the moment. I wish we lived in a world where you didn't need to come up with come-backs. I wish we lived in a world where everyone was working towards a common good, but that is just not reality.
I am getting really frustrated with things. Frustrated with surgeons telling me how to do my job, and insinuating I am not doing it right. Frustrated with the nurses for the exact same reason. Frustrated with my attendings trying to tell me what to do. They have read something in some textbook. Yeah? Well, I have also read stuff, and probably a lot more recently too. Frustrated with getting exams and still not being at the top of my game. Frustrated with worrying about things - to the point that I am having nightmares.
I just want to be finished. I just want this to be over. I am starting to not even care if I pass or not. I just need a break.
I worry that this is all for naught. I worry that at the end of this I will wake up and realize that I wasted not only the last 14 years, but my life. I worry that every day I will be unhappy with my job, just as frustrated as I am now. I worry that I won't be good at my job and that, too, will be frustrating.
Jurgen tells me it will get better. He tells me that he felt this way too. Look at him now - he loves what he does, and people respect him.
Maybe 14 years is a long time (it sure feels that way). Maybe I just need a change. Maybe I need something or somewhere different. At least at the end of this, there will be change. Whether it is good change or bad, at least it will be different.