On the Other Side of the Mountain

As this blog was entitled, "A Resident's Life", it no longer seems appropriate to keep blogging, at least here. I find blogging very therapeutic and cathartic (although some of you who have read it at times thought I needed psychiatric help). So, I will continue to blog.
My new blog will be all about my new life as an attending, living with my husband (in the same city!), and my new experiences. Check out "On the Other Side of the Mountain", my new blog, at www.drmcbainsblog.blogspot.com

Good bye residency!! Hello new life!!

last day

I can't believe I am finished. For the last 14 years I have been striving and working towards completing my schooling and my training in order to be a practicing physicain. Well, I have achieved that! I am blown away. Some people are surprised when I say this, but that is because they just don't get it. Only someone who really KNOWS can understand - those who have been through it.
I had my very last day as a resident today. It was pleasant. I was in a lovely, unstressed room, with an unstressed staff, fun nurses, and nice other residents. Even the surgeon was nice, although he kept wanting to give me advice about privledges and such.
Again, I was struck by the people I work with. I kept being surprised by the different people who would come up to me, hug me, tell me congratulations, and tell me they were going to miss me. I guess you don't realize what an impact you have on people until you are ready to leave. I really think that is my favorite part of this job. We really all are a team (as cheesy as that sounds). As much as it saddens me to not be around some of these people, there is just so much more drawing me away.
I wonder what new experiences I will have as a staff? I wonder what life will throw at me? Will Jurgen and I bring new life into the world? Or will we be content to adopt a new furry face? Will Jurgen's father attempt to kill himself while waterskiing again this year?
Stay tuned.....

Same Bat time, Same Bat place....

Random thoughts

The luscious smell of blooming lilacs and a recent summer rain remind me of how much I love Saskatoon in the summer months. It is lovely here. I will miss the beautiful river, fun festivals, and great nightlife. I will miss the many friendships I have made over the years. I am, however, excited to start a new life. I am excited to try something new, live somewhere new, and experience a different perspective. I am so looking forward to not having to have my relationship over the phone, to not having to drive 250 km every weekend, and to not being alone. I am looking forward to being a family again.
On a sour note - I hate packing. I hate moving. I get stressed with the time constraints, and daunted by the enormity of the situation. I HAVE SO MUCH STUFF! How did this happen? How can one person accumulate so much (for lack of a better word) crap? I feel like I have been throwing SO much stuff away - old artlicles, books, notecards, receipts, memorabilia, clothing, pictures, study stuff, LMCC stuff, university stuff, cat toys, plants, shoes (yes, I did actually throw shoes out. That just means that now I can buy more!)... and still I have so much more to get rid of!
On a better note - today was great! I worked with a really nice staff person, and a great team in the OR. Everyone that I saw today told me congratulations, and how excited they were for me. I just kept on grinning from 7:30 right on up to 4:30! It is so wonderful that everyone has been so supportive and understanding through all of this. I feel so loved! Again, it is sad that I have to leave a place that after 5 years feels really comfortable, but it is time. Time for a change.

I still can't believe it!

I still can't believe it. I have been walking around with a big stupid grin on my face. Did someone make a mistake? No, every time I look at the website it is the same. I still passed.

Today was so luxurious. Ok, so the plane ride home was long and arduous, but after that was lovely. I sat outside with the kitties (where I am now), went out for lunch, and then to Canadian Tire, and I didn't feel guilty! There was no black cloud hanging over my head. Nothing looming, ever-present, in the distance. Is this what normal people feel like? It will probably take a long time before I can just sit for a few minutes and not feel like I should be doing something else. Even when we went on vacation, I was always reading Anesthesia.

There is lifelong learning, and I will continue to strive for excellence. As well, I still have a few days of actual work as a resident left. Nonetheless, I feel like I have won the lottery! No one can stop me now!

Look out world! Here I come!

It's Over!!!!!

I can't describe how I am feeling, but I will try. Disbelief -I am shocked. Relief - so glad it is over. Elated - I am so excited by the outcome! Yes, it is true. I have looked on the Royal College Website and discovered that I passed my exams! We found out last night, after dinner. We went for a lovely dinner with friends, and a classmate phoned to say the results were up (at least for her). I wasn't sure if mine would be as she wrote in the morning and I wrote in the afternoon. I also wasn't sure what would be the outcome.
Every room I was the first person out of the room. That is either really good, or really bad, I wasn't sure. I was sure the first time it happened, it was because I had done really well on the questions. The next three times, I wasn't sure. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was missing something, that I just wasn't getting at what they wanted. Actually, as soon as the exam was over, I bolted. I wanted to just get out of there. Jurgen was there already waiting for me (a big grin on his face), but I didn't give him the reaction he wanted. I started to cry. I was so worried. I couldn't tell how it had gone. The examiners are given explicit instructions as to not show any emotion, and they sure didn't. That was hard.

In the end, it doesn't matter any more! I was successful! I even sent the email to myself and checked it again today. Last night when I read the computer screen, I couldn't believe it. I had to read it over and over. As the realization hit me that I had passed, tears started streaming down my face. I was laughing and crying all at the same time. I just grabbed Jurgen and held him and told him how much I loved him. I kept laughing and laughing. Jurgen bought a bottle of pink champagne and we drank the whole thing! I phoned all my family members, and Jurgen sent out an email to his department. I didn't send out a mass email or put it on Facebook, because 2 of my classmates still have to write. I don't want to presume.

I can't believe it's true. I can't believe it's over. I can now start a new chapter of my life. Who knows what that will bring? The world is my oyster!

Joelle McBain BSc, MD, FRCPC

Almost over

It is almost over. In just two short days I will be writing my exam. The exam that has tortured and tormented me for the better part of five years. The exam that has filled my life with self-doubt, hopelessness, and despair.
Jurgen tells me I am in "a strange place" right now. All is see is gloom where there should be light. When the Royal College published its pass rates from last year, at first I felt hopeful, then just sick. Sure, 93% sounds amazing, unless you are one of the 7%, then you are just an idiot. He thinks it is really weird that I would think that. Also, when people say, "You'll be just fine" I don't take comfort in that. They must really think it helps, but I keep thinking, "What if I'm not?"
Ah, fear of failure. Where would I be without that? Honestly? Nowhere. That is my motivator. If I am not worried, I don't bother (hence last week). Unfortunately, now it is too late. I will still review stuff (until the last moment, because that is just me), but eventually I will realize that there is not much point, and put the books away.
In the end, all that matters is it is over. I will be finished being a resident. I can live with my hubby again (who loves me dearly). I can take the summer off. If, for some strange reason, I have a meltdown and totally freeze, I can always write it again. Then, the unknown factor will be gone. Think of how much I will know by then?
So, at 2:00 Ontario time on Friday, May 30, think of me and send me good energized thoughts. Then, at 6:00 Ontario time, raise a glass in my honour - it will be over!

hope

I have no motivation. It is gone. Only a week until the exam and I have lost my steam. Jurgen says that is normal. That everyone gets to that point around now. It makes me a little worried, acutally. What if because of this I don't do as well? Well, maybe that should be motivation enough. Unfortunately, what comes along with the lack of motivation is also a complete lack of caring. Apathy. Totally fitting. I feel a little pathetic. I just want it over.
As the days tick down, and it gets closer and closer to the date, I am more and more excited just to be finished. I am excited to not be a resident. I am excited to pack up my house and move somewhere new. I have lived here for 14 years (except the first year of residency in Regina, does that count?). It is time for a change. Good or bad, there is still change. I am hoping for good.
A friend lately told me that my emails were less about despair recently, but more about hope. I guess that is how I feel - hopeful. I am still not absolutely confident that I will pass, but I am hopeful. I am still unclear of my future, but I am hopeful.
Think of me one week tomorrow. Send happy vibes. Send positive energy.

Send hope.