It's all relative

I just finished watching "Rent" on DVD. I saw it when the show came to Regina at the Centre of the Arts, but I have to admit I appreciated it much more this time. The last time it was so loud that I couldn't even understand what they were saying. This time, it was much better, and much more powerful. Watching the movie and seeing all of the problems that these people are going through (even if it is fiction), makes me think my life is definately not so bad. What the heck am I whining about? Sure I am overwhelmed and exhausted a lot of the time, but at least I have a job and an income, a loving husband and family, and I don't have HIV. It is all relative I suppose. My life feels bad sometimes to me, but it could always be worse. I could BE one of the people that I care for in the ICU. Yeah, I guess I should start focusing on what is really important. My life is pretty good. Cheers to good nights on call, purring kitties, great take-out, and good movies that make you think.

baby steps to another milestone

Well, another day, another call, another rotation over. Tomorrow is my last call for ICU. It is also my last 24 hour call... EVER! In Anesthesia we don't normally do 24 hour call (except over Christmas, but that is so we can have more overall days off), we only do 8 or 16 hours of call. As an attending you have the choice of which you want to do, but I have do say that I just don't think that I want to do 24 hour call if I don't have to. So, after tomorrow that is it!! I have enjoyed my time in the ICU (only one bad week, the rest was good) - good residents, good cases, good nurses, and for the most part good staff - but it is time to say good-bye and hello to the old OR. I am both nervous and excited to be back in the OR finally learning what I need to learn. Finally practicing what I need to practice. I am even starting to think that being a "senior resident" doesn't sound too bad (I just need to study a bit more). Here is to one more milestone achieved. One more hoop jumped through. Baby steps, Joelle. Baby steps.

Would it really be so awful?

I feel a little wierd writing this blog, but I know that my husband doesn't read this and I just need to hear how it sounds....
Short story: Had an "Aura" about a month ago (wierd symptoms without the migraine, but similar to a migraine). Saw the Neurologist today. He recommends that I might not want to be on birth control as I have an increased risk of clots. So, what are my options? Continue on with birth control (I am now using the much lower dose Nuvaring, so it is a little better) knowing that I have a small, but real risk of getting a clot. Or, do I go off it and take the chance of getting pregnant? Yes, I could use other forms of birth control, but we all know they are less effective. I guess the real question is: Would it really be so awful? Getting pregnant, I mean. Seeing everyone around me having children makes me think that I am missing out. I know I am not, but I just feel like it is another step of being a grownup, of progressing with my life. Another thought, as selfish and horrible as it is, is then I could take some time off work.
What does that mean? Do I really hate my job that much? I don't think so, has just been a long haul and it is not yet over. But putting my head in the sand is not really my style. I am more the type who will finish something regardless, kicking and screaming (loudly!) the entire time. No, I don't think that kids is something I am ready for (as you can tell from this selfish blog), nor have desire for. I am only exploring my options and feelings. I suppose the real person I should be discussing this with is the same one who I didn't want to read this. HHhhhmmmmmmm......

my blog diary

My husband says I need a diary. He was exhausted by me when I came home and just "unloaded" on him. It wasn't all bad, but I needed to talk to someone. It just makes sense that it would be him.
I think I am just getting tired. I see Jurgen and how he is almost done his residency. That is hard. I would really like to be done too. I feel like I have been working just as long as he has for the same goal, and even though there is NO WAY I could pass the exam that he is writing in 3 weeks, I wish I was.
I got to work today and immediately the nurses started complaining to me about all the other residents. I don't think that is fair. These are my colleagues, and my friends. Sure, my relationship with the nurses can make or break my stay in ICU, but my relationship with my colleagues is more than just a month rotation. They were especially upset about one of the residents who had been on-call the night before. The poor guy - it was his FIRST time on-call for ICU and he had a bad night. They thought he didn't know what he was doing, and they didn't like his recommendations. Maybe he didn't know what he was doing, but he is learning and trying - give the guy a break!
Then, it seemed like I disagreed with a lot of what the attending had to say about the patients today. He is ultimately the boss, so it doesn't really matter. However, he started to do something similar to what the nurses had just done too. He was criticizing what one of the Anesthetists had done for a patient and asked me to concur. Well, I wasn't going to do that. I defended what that anesthetist had done and said that I agreed and that I would have done the same thing. I don't think it is appropriate to criticize what people in other specialties do - again that is not fair. It is easy to be critical when you are not the one in the situation. I get so sick of that crap, and it is just RAMPANT in Internal Medicine. It is like they have an inferiority complex or something and have to make themselves feel better.
Maybe I just need to be back in Anesthesia. Maybe I just need to start studying what really matters. Maybe I have come to the realization that I am tired. Maybe I should just get on with my life as soon as possible and forget about doing a fellowship. Maybe I am kidding myself when I think that the grass is so much greener back in the OR? Maybe I need to take up my husband's offer of the crushed up Paxil in my breakfast cereal.

Change always takes some getting used to

I have been diagnosed with celiac disease. This means that I can't eat anything with Barley, Rye, Oats, or Wheat. Flax, Corn, and Rice are still OK. I thought initially that it was going to be really easy to do this. Afterall, I don't eat bread or bagels or any of that stuff anyway. Yeah, not so much. Unfortunately Gluten is hidden in EVERYTHNG. It hasn't been easy, but I am learning. Change always takes time and always takes getting used to. The one good thing that has come out of all of this is that my culinary skills are improving. They have to. For example, I made homemade soup for the first time today - Broccoli cheddar. Some of you may think that this is no big deal, but I have never done that before. If I can make one, I am sure I can make more. Maybe some day I will write a cookbook for all of my yummy gluten-free recipes. Who knows? In the mean time, I am learning.....