Just when you think it is all OK

I am currently at work. Why am I not working hard putting patients to sleep? Well, I think I am being punished, but I am not sure why. I am working with the one staff that no one really likes. He is very smart and has a lot of wisdom to impart, but he is not a very nice person. I was dreading doing call with him tonight. He is very difficult to work with. He bullies everyone, especially the residents. I think he hates me and thinks I am a total retard, but Jurgen says that is just how he is. Well, my suspicions were confirmed. I was in the room for about 10 minutes, said maybe 5 things to him, and he sent me away to "go read about the case". My question is: What did I do? I asked him what case we were doing and was surprised by the answer. It is not every day that one does a pelvectomy. I asked if he wanted help, he did not respond. I asked for the height of the bed to come up and was not to move it, that it was already the "perfect height". I asked for a styletted tube (not that I thought I needed it, but we are always taught to be ready) from another resident who happened to be in the room and his response was she was NOT to give it to me and that I needed to learn how to do a "proper" larygoscopy. Then he didn't even give me the chance to do the larygoscopy, but shoved me out of the way. Then he told me to go read about the case. Yeah, lots of learning in that. Not like actually getting to DO the case. No, he is right... reading about it would be better. The other resident came and told me later that she thought he had treated me horribly. I was so upset I went into the library, called Jurgen and sobbed. It is not enough that I feel inadequate, and stupid, but to have someone treat me like I am makes it really hard. The other hard part is that when people say awful things about him I often stick up for him saying that he has good ideas, is very smart, and has a lot of knowledge to impart. That is all true, but I don't understand why he has to be such and asshole.

I wish I had a job that wasn't stressful. I wish I could work on my own without having someone telling me what to do all the time. Or, if they have to, I wish I could try some of the things. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so stupid all the time. Just when I was happy to be back in Anesthesia and glad I am here, this happens. Right now, I hate my job. I hate my life.