a list for me

I am going to try really hard to be a nicer/better/happier person. Here are a list of goals:

1. exercise more - I feel great after I exercise so I should use this as an outlet.
2. study more - I will feel less guilty if I do this.
3. try to cut Jurgen more slack - he is the most important person in your life, why don't you treat him like that.
4. try not to "wish my life away" - I will finish residency, it will just take time, and wishing it away won't help.
5. try to do one thing just for me everyday.
6. tell Jurgen I love him more often (see second part of #3)
7. cuddle my kitties once a day - doesn't that purring sound make everyone smile?
8. try to phone a family member or friend more often to chat - they are important in your life too.
9. drink more water or healthy drinks like green tea
10. eat healthy.
11. spend less on stupid stuff.
12. don't by stupid stuff for Jurgen - just because you like it, doesn't mean he will.
13. take more deep cleansing breaths - if you are feeling like you are going to explode, this will help.

yes, I know that this is a long list. I may not be able to accomplish them all, but they are goals to work on a little at a time. That is why they all say "try". I am going to print a copy of this to keep with me as encouragement. Let's see if it works!

Obs and Family

I am finally starting to adjust to my life. This life of being a "senior" resident. This life of living apart from my husband. This life of stresses.

I am anjoying my Obstetrical Anesthesia rotation much more than I thought I would. The whole process of bringing new life into the world is absolutely incredible. I only have a small role to play, but an important one. Not only do I love being able to take someone who is out of control with pain and 15 minutes later see the smile on their face as they are finally able to relax for a bit, but helping someone through a stressful and often scary event by keeping them comfortable and composed, and having both events culminate in the greatest miracle. The miracle of life. No wonder my friends Christine and Angela love their jobs as much as they do. I couldn't do what they do (Obs), but I love my part in all of it.

Again, I have the tiniest feeling when I see all of these tiny faces and hands and feet: I have so much love to give. Could I love one of these little, helpless, humans? What would I be like as a parent? But then the smart part of me takes ahold, the driven part: Are you crazy? You are having problems coping now with studying, exams, etc.! This is not the time! That part always wins. As I said, it is a TINY feeling. Fleeting really.

The thought does help me think about what is really important in life: Family. Even if that family happens to be two furry little faces who run to the door when I come home. Even if that family happens to live over 250km away. Even if that family is sometimes so different from me I can barely believe we are related. You can't pick your family, but you are sure glad about the ones you have.

It is funny how life tries to teach us different lessons. Through work, books, experiences. You just have to choose to listen.

Thanksgiving

Here is what I am thankful for...

A wonderful husband who loves me and misses me dearly.
Two beautiful kitties who cuddle and kiss me.
My family, all healthy.
A job that will allow me to go anywhere I want when I am done.
Knowing that I will be done soon.
Friends, across the country and around the world.
Lost, Amazing Race, all movies (especially in Regina on the big screen).
So much to be thankful for...
It is great to be so fortunate.

"Lost", kitties, and good talks

Well, I guess blogging does help. Sure it is cathartic and all that, but I was finally able to use the line so often used on me before, "Just read my blog". When Jurgen called yesturday, I really didn't want to discuss all our problems over the phone (he is not very good at that), so I got him to read my blog. I think that helped. It opened up a channel for discussion in a way that was not just me being "bitchy" or whining. We did talk and I think it helped.

That put the ball in motion for a good day today as well. The more time I spend in Obs Anesthesia I remember just how much I love it. I love being the bearer of "feel good meds" at the happiest time in people's lives. I just love all of the babies and their fat little cheeks! Maybe my "clock" is not broken, it just doesn't tick very much.

Then tonight, a perfect night. Some studying, warm kitties purring in my lap, and one of my favorite shows, "Lost". Despite the fact that I still don't have a clue what is going on in that show, I still love it! I guess it is the mystery that keeps you coming back for more.

Time to end a good day and see what tomorrow brings....zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Married, or just alone?

Why is being married to someone so hard? I often try to tell myself (about anything) that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Sure, I will agree with that, but does that mean you have to fight all the time?
It is like now that we live in different cities, we live in different worlds. It feels like all he cares about is money, money, money. What do I care about? Well, that one is difficult at present, but it isn't money. He has forgotten what it is like to be a resident. He says he hasn't forgotten, but doesn't like to be reminded about it (he didn't like it either). I was excited about a case I am doing tomorrow and called to discuss it with him. I thought there was a little bit of controversy because so many residents want to be involved and I am being shoved to the side. He says I shouldn't care, that I should just go back upstairs and have a normal day in Obs Anesthesia. He can't understand why I would want to do a difficult case. I said it is because I want all the difficult and horendous stuff to happen now while I am a resident so that I can deal with it later if it comes up while I am on my own as staff!
I feel like I should just stop talking about work with my husband. I feel like all it does is create anamosity between us.
But then, what would I talk about? Work is so much (always has been) a part of my life. Without my work, who or what am I?

Krista J

This is Krista J Konkin. She describes herself as a "Creative" (which she definately is)living in Vancouver. A Creative is someone who is not just a starving artist, but someone who manages to make a living doing something in "the arts". She is one of the people who I have been friends with the longest (since Grade 4, as we remarked last night!), and so has seen me grow to who I am today. Before residency, before medical school, before even Jurgen, there was Krista. That is why, despite only seeing each other once a year, we can always just pick up our friendship were we left off! She is funny, engaging, sensible and passionate, and fun to be around. I appreciate your friendship, Krista. Don't ever change!

I really enjoy spending time with all of my friends, so all of you, please keep visiting. I only recently figured out the picture thing on blogs (Krista was laughing at my ineptitude with computers last night), so be prepared for more pics!