That old feeling again

I wanted to post right away before the feeling was gone.... It was back today, how I used to feel about Anesthesia. I had a fantastic day today. Not easy cases either, all kids. First a cleft palate repair on a 7 month old, then a little 3 weeker for a hernia, and we ended our day with a bronchoscopy and foreign body removal on a 2 year old. I really felt like I was able to bond with the children. All of my plans for their anesthetics were agreed upon by the staff. I had lots of compliments from the nurses, my staff, and even the surgeon!! This is what I rememeber. This is why I love my job. The thrill of knowing that I gave a great anesthetic, made a difference, and helped to make all of these kids feel better. Knowing that going that extra mile is noticed, not just expected.

It was a little different than I remember, too. This time I was able to think ahead a bit. I was able to see the big picture. Maybe it helps to think, this could be an exam question. Or maybe it is just preparation and confidence. Those have definately improved.

Maybe the light is there. Maybe I CAN do this. I needed this boost. I needed a day where I had great nurses, a great staff person, and cases where I could shine. Sometimes that is all you need.

In the memorable words of the "little engine that could"... I think I can, I think I can, I think I can...

Sunday

Sunday. I hate Sundays. Parts are good. Laughing right out loud while watching "So, I married an axe murderer". You know, lines about the "Pentariddon" and the addictive substance in KFC chicken, "a piper down", and the bit about the "big head like Spudtnik"! So funny!! I run upstairs because I think that Jurgen would think this was just as funny as I do, jump in bed and give him 100 kisses, laughing. He laughs, but thinks I'm wierd. Going for lunch, and doing what we seem to do every weekend, get a coffee at Starbucks and do some shopping.

Then, as the sun starts to get lower in the sky and it is no longer warming my house, he says he has to leave. I sit and stare out the door wondering how long I can do this? How long can I swing between the sheer joy of being together, and the complete destruction and depression of being apart? The sadness of knowing that I have to wait 5 more days just to get a glimpse of my husband in between his weekend of call. Knowing that after that it will be three weeks before we see one another again. Even Stupe was upset, although really for a different reason. She freaked out, ran, and hid under the bed. She wasn't sad he was leaving. No, she was just scared she would have to get in a car and go with him. Little does she know, she still has five days left.

My favorit day of the week is Friday. Fridays are short work days where half of the day is spent "learning" (or at least pretending to). Fridays are also generally the day when one of us drives to see the other. The driving is monotonous, just a means to an end, but the end result is what I look forward to. I don't even mind driving so much. It gives me a chance to think, really think. Also, I can listen to the music I like and sing my heart out! Funny what that does for the soul.

So, I while away the time, keep myself busy, work, study, and wait. Passing the time until the next Friday, dreading the next Sunday.

feelings without stories

I don't know why I am like this. One day, I am fine, feeling good, working hard, getting things accomplished. The next day I feel sad, alone, defeated. My situation doesn't change, so why does the way I feel? Is this just loneliness, or real depression? Is it just a sense of hopelessness and frustration that will pass in time? I worry that even after my situation changes and I am finally where I think I am that I will still feel this way.
Anxiety, definately. Dread, for sure. Anger, lately. Betrayal, lately. Loneliness, mostly.
Happiness, sometimes. Excitement, before. Friendly, often. Love, most definately.
These are the emotions devoid of the stories. Does it help? I am not sure. Writing does, talking does. Thinking that maybe someone reading this, "gets it" does.

Back in Sasktoon, waiting and watching the clock tick the days by. Keeping busy with work. Now in Peds Anesthesia. Not as scared of them this time. Trying out new things. Trying to find what will work in "my practice".
That sounds funny, "my practice". That still feels so far away. I got a little closer today. Worked my first day as an independent practionner at the Surgicentre. They do plastic surgery there, and some Worker's Comp. ortho stuff. The residents who work there generally do the plastics (it doesn't pay as well). I was so terrified all last night and then this morning. What if something happens? What if I screw up? Once I got in there I realized, I can do this. I do this every day. This is what all this silly training is for anyway. It was kind of cool actually, to be totally in charge making the decisions. It will be even cooler when I get paid.
I used to think I was such a strong person, but now I think I am not. I was dreading this day at the Surgicentre because it is unknown and new. Just like I am dreading going to Calgary in Feb. Jurgen understands because he feels the same way, that is why he doesn't understand me going off to do electives. Even though I hate it, and am dreading it, I think it will be good for me. Stretch my limits a bit, make me think outside the box, help me to grow on my own and work on my independence. Hopefully, with a little shopping and skiing, I will have some fun too!

Cuba trip

Here are some pictures from my recent family Cuba trip. Enjoy! I sure did!!

This is the Family on Varadero's beach checking out where the "locals" would swim.

This is Jason in his wetsuit. He thought the water that day was just too cold!! Some girls from Calgary let him have it, but soon forgave him after a few shots of tequila!!

This is a shot from the hotel where Ernest Hemingway stayed while in Cuba.

Jurgen and I on New Year's Eve.

All the Maslany girls!

Jurgen and his devil. He wants to get a statue like this for the living room. I don't think so....

Dad and Jay on the beach with a hat given to us by the one of the gardners. We thought the "grio" was very appropriate for SK summers!


Maslany Family on New Year's Eve.

A year's review

Another year over.... What can I say? Well, to start with, we just got back from a week in Varadero, Cuba, with our whole family - Jurgen's parents and sister, my parents, my brother and his wife. It was such a fantastic time - Snorkelling, Havana, the flea market in Varadero, the beach, the water, the sun. I loved it! It was so wonderful to spend all of that quality time with our family. It really helps one focus on what is important.

Looking back over the rest of the year, there have been many ups and many downs experienced. Biggest up: My amazing husband accomplishing the most important thing to him and finishing his residency. He loves his new job, and knows it was all worth it. Biggest down: My amazing husband moving away from me to Regina. I am counting the days until we can be together for good again (17 months and 29 days).

Thank you to all of you in my life for making every day special and help making great memories! Here is to another year!