no motivation

Today I have no motivation. Despite sucking horribly at yesturday's oral exam prep, I just can't seem to get into studying. It's cold, I haven't seen the sun in days, I miss my family (the kitties and Jurgen), and right now I just don't care. Where, oh where to begin?? I have no idea what to expect on Friday's exam. I feel unprepared, but I just do not know where to start.

I think I will go pack instead. At least then I will feel like I am accomplishing something.

Obs

As much as I like Obs Anesthesia, I find it really stressful too.
When the women want/need their epidurals, they are often in so much pain they can barely stand it and are almost out of control, losing their minds.
When we take women for sections, it is either urgent (and they have probably been labouring for awhile already and are exhausted), emergent (and everyone is shitting themselves, and I might even have to put her to sleep), or elective ( and last time her experience was completely different, she is totally freaking worried, and wants to go to sleep).
And then they puke. They puke in labour, they puke during the sections, they can even puke as I put them off to sleep. And they wonder why we don't let them eat?! I hate that. I find that stressful. I don't think I would like to be paralyzed from the breast-bone down and not be able to sit up, and puke properly. And yet, I tell all these women that it is "normal and OK if this happens, and very common). Barf. Literally.

residency

So, since this is supposed to be about my life as a resident, I thought I would write a little bit about work. No, not just about how I am studying, and scared of failing and all that, but the other parts too. So, here goes:

I am in Obstetrical Anethesia right now. A month of labouring women, babied being born, epidurals, cesarean sections, tubal ligations, and Dave. Who is Dave? He is the Head of the Department of Anesthesiology in Saskatoon, Head of Obstetrical Anesthesia, multi-published, kind-of annoying, Dave. He definately know Obs, but it is definately HIS way.

Other than sometimes being irritated with Dave, I really like Obs Anesthesia. It is the one place where when I leave the room, the patient will often turn to me and say, "Thank you". 15 minutes later they were completely out of control, losing their mind, totally in pain. 15 minutes later, they might even be able to sleep. C-sections are a little bit stressful (they drop their BP and puke, there can be sudden bleeding, is my spinal going to work?), but there is the joy of a new life at the end. For the most part, it is a happy time.

Also, this whole "senior resident" thing is not as bad as I once thought. Attendings now call me for interesting cases. Stuff they know I might not see again. I have started to realize the benefit of being in those cases NOW, when it is not just me, and someone else is most responsible. I think some of them are even starting to respect me, and trust me.

Yes, I am still terrified. Yes, I still have doubt (about myself, my choices, my abilities, my life, my partner). Yes, there are still ups and downs. But, this is my life, this is my residency, and I do make a difference to people.
Try having surgery without your Anestheiologist (I dare you!).

I can't wait to do this for real.

Happy moment

I had gotten up, but crawled back into bed with Jurgen. Both the kitties came and curled up with us. We were one big happy family. I just layed there, listening to the girls purring, and kept thinking, "remember this moment. Now! No, Now!" Taking little mental pictures to store for later in moments of sadness and stress. Outside it may be starting to get cold, but we were toasty, comfy, and warm, all snuggled up together.
I love my family.

PPPuuuuurrrrr, ppuuuuurrrrrrr, ppuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrr......

This knot

This knot in my stomach just won't go away.
The ever-present feeling of fear.
I talk myself out, I talk myself up,
But still I just want to disappear.
This knot in my neck just won't go away.
The ever-present feeling of weariness.
I warm myself up, I cuddle right up,
But still there is so much dreariness.

This knot in my throat just won't go away.

The ever-present feeling of sadness.

I pick myself up, I dust myself off,

But still all is see is blackness.

This knot in my hand just won't go away.

The ever present loom of the test.

I continue to study, I continue to read,

But all I can do is my best.

Practice orals

Tomorrown is our first "real" oral exams. What I mean is that it is still a practice oral, but up until now it was by recent grads, not by an actual Royal College examiner. This is the first of many practice exams with him, and I am worried. As I said before, I feel that I have done okay on the exams so far. Not stellar, by any stretch, but not totally sucky. I am worried that I will really suck tomorrow. Also, I don't know how anyone else is doing. Are they all better than me, or about the same? Have they done lots of exams, or just a few like me? Are they getting better? Well, one thing is for sure: After tomorrow, I will know where I stand. Whether I feel like I will be OK, or whether I need to put in a lot of work, I will know. I went through all of the study cards I have made thus far, and even looked up a couple of extra things. Nothing else I can do now.

It is better to know.