2 days and counting!

In just two short days Jurgen and I are off to Maui for a week of sun and fun!! One of our very best friends is getting married in Maui and we will be there to share in the celebrations! We are so looking forward to a week to forget everything. In Maui there will be no hospitals, no surgeries, no exams, no worries. There will, unfortunately, still be some studying going on, but somehow it seems easier knowing it will be on a sun-filled beach!

I know, you are all jealous!

priorities

Oh, the turmoil in my life right now. Jurgen and I just got into a fight because he was booked into the OR here in Sasktoon the week that my Dad is to have his surgery. He says he can't cancel his day because he has a responsibility to his patients and the surgeons. What about his responsibility to me and my family? Shouldn't that come first? He doesn't seem to think so.

Also, I love him and love that he is here, but I couldn't help thinking today that it might be easier if he wasn't. There is no noise here (TV, video games, etc.) when he isn't here. I don't have to worry about being imaginative with dinner when he isn't here. If I want to have Kraft Dinner and hot dogs for supper, I can and no one cares. I don't have to share my computer with anyone when he isn't here. I can go for a run, come home sweaty and sit around in my work out clothes if I feel like it.

On the other hand, I am lonely and depressed when he isn't here. I miss him when he isn't here.
It is still hard, either way.

family ties

One thing about having not so good things happen in your life, is that sometimes it brings people together.
My brother and I have never really been that close. Sometimes we go almost 6 months without even speaking. We are totally different, black vs. white, and often do not see eye to eye.
However, with Dad soon to go under the knife, we seem to feel the need to be closer. I have phoned him several times in the last week or so, and finally got ahold of him. We talked about Dad and his upcoming predicament. I told him what I thought, he said he agreed. He said he should come home, I said I agreed. He said he trusted and respected the decisions I had made so far with Dad. I just about fell off my chair!
Today, I phoned him again. I told him we had a lay over in Vancouver on the way to Maui and asked if he wanted to have "lupper". He said he did. He actually sounded like he was looking forward to it when we hung up.
This year has taught me a lot. About perserverence, about patience, about patients, about me. Most of all, though, it has taught me about what is really important in life - family. They love you unconditionally, no matter what.
Sort of like my cats ;) , and they are family too.

Dad's valve

Well, it looks like Dad will need surgery after all. He tried to convince the surgeon that he should wait and have it done in the fall, but the surgeon thought he should have it done sooner rather than later. It will probably be done in the few weeks.
I don't know how to react or act. I know it is the right thing to do. I was even more worried when they said they didn't want to do it, but I am still worried. I know all of the problems and complications that can happen. I know that most of the time patients do well, but this time it is my dad.
As far as how to act, I am unsure of that too. I know I should be strong for my Dad. But I worry that being strong will be misinterpreted as not caring. I feel like the best thing I can do is give information, but I don't want to give too much and scare him. I feel like if I get worked up it will just make things worse, but how do I show him that I care? How do I let him know I am concerned.
Selfishly, I want them to wait until I get back from Maui to do his surgery. I really want to be there. Jurgen suggested that I call the surgeon and make that suggestion, but I don't want to seem pushy.
This is hard. As you grow up you don't think about the fact that your parents are aging too. You just see them as the same as they were when you were 13 years old. Then, one day you notice that they are not that person anymore. You are not that person anymore. It is good, you have both grown. But, then you notice age setting in and the problems inherent in that - hypertension, diabetes, heart problems. You can't imagine not having them in your life, not being there with you every step of the way, holding your hand and cheering them on. Someday, however, we all have to face that. That too, is part of growing up.
I am just not ready to be that grown up.

Turbulent week

I had a very turbulent week. However, rather than spend an inorminant amount of time (when I should be studying), I will recap.
Sunday - Back from Making a Mark (read previous blog) exhausted.
Monday - Am I a JURSI?! I can't seem to make anything go right. Feeling frustrated.
Tuesday - waiting to hear about my father's angiogram. Will he need urgent open heart surgery? Suck horribly at oral exams in the OR. Continue to suck horribly on Oral exams with our examiner. Feeling depressed.
Wednesday - Find out Dad's arteries are OK. Now, what to do about his valve? Shouldn't he have it fixed? Feeling worried. Feeling tired. Feeling depressed.
Thank God for Annabelle. .Always there for a dinner date, she makes me feel better with sushi and wine.
Thursday - I take the day off to study. Take a break to shop a bit and find cute bathing suits for Maui. Feeling better.
Friday - Study session that is productive (started at 7am). Left early to go to Regina. Feeling hopeful.
Saturday - Off to the boat-show with Jurgen. BUY A BOAT! Feeling fantastic!
Sunday - Supper with Mom and Dad and Jurgen's folks.
Monday - Leave Regina knowing that I won't be back again until I am finished. Feeling sad.

That was my topsy turvey week. Ups and downs.
Don't worry, Iwill keep you posted about the boat.

Making a Mark

I am back from Banff. Back from our review course called "Making a Mark". It started off rough. I had a set of oral exams first thing on Friday morning and did not do well at all. I made a critical mistake on a critical portion of the exam, and did, well, critical. Before they gave me my feedback, I was proud of myself for being calm, and organized and not getting too flustered. Then, I got the feedback and realized just what I had done. The next few lectures after that I couldn't even focus. I was too distraught.
I waited until lunch, went back to my room, and sobbed. Luckily, the girl I was sharing with wasn't there at the time. I really needed someone to tell me that it would be OK, that I wouldn't make that mistake on the real exam.
I picked myself up, and carried on. More lectures. Then a written exam that night, which I did equally crappy on. At least, the others in my group did only marginally better than me, that made me feel better.
Saturday was a new day. A much better day. It was like a complete 180. I did AWESOME on this set of oral exams. They had glowing compliments for me. The lectures were also better.
When I phoned Jurgen to talk to him about it, he said he had the exact same experience! We really are the same! And, he still did OK. He still passed.
So, what did this teach me? I can carry on. I can pick myself up. I will continue. And I will prevail.

Still the little engine: I think I can, I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.........

Good vibes

I am leaving tomorrow for 4 days in Banff. You must be thinking, "That is great. She needs the break." Yes, I need the break, but that is not the plan for this trip. It is our review course for all of the Anesthesia residents across Canada. It will consist of lectures, oral exams, and written exams. I think it will be very stressful. One of my colleagues cried, one destroyed his room, and one had a major melt down! I can't imagine what my response will be (probably the first). I am hoping, however, that in the end it will be useful and very motivating.

So, if you are out there reading this, Please, send me good vibes. Happy thoughts. Good wishes. Anything you think might help ease the "pain".

I will keep you updated on how it goes.