It's Over!!!!!

I can't describe how I am feeling, but I will try. Disbelief -I am shocked. Relief - so glad it is over. Elated - I am so excited by the outcome! Yes, it is true. I have looked on the Royal College Website and discovered that I passed my exams! We found out last night, after dinner. We went for a lovely dinner with friends, and a classmate phoned to say the results were up (at least for her). I wasn't sure if mine would be as she wrote in the morning and I wrote in the afternoon. I also wasn't sure what would be the outcome.
Every room I was the first person out of the room. That is either really good, or really bad, I wasn't sure. I was sure the first time it happened, it was because I had done really well on the questions. The next three times, I wasn't sure. I had this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was missing something, that I just wasn't getting at what they wanted. Actually, as soon as the exam was over, I bolted. I wanted to just get out of there. Jurgen was there already waiting for me (a big grin on his face), but I didn't give him the reaction he wanted. I started to cry. I was so worried. I couldn't tell how it had gone. The examiners are given explicit instructions as to not show any emotion, and they sure didn't. That was hard.

In the end, it doesn't matter any more! I was successful! I even sent the email to myself and checked it again today. Last night when I read the computer screen, I couldn't believe it. I had to read it over and over. As the realization hit me that I had passed, tears started streaming down my face. I was laughing and crying all at the same time. I just grabbed Jurgen and held him and told him how much I loved him. I kept laughing and laughing. Jurgen bought a bottle of pink champagne and we drank the whole thing! I phoned all my family members, and Jurgen sent out an email to his department. I didn't send out a mass email or put it on Facebook, because 2 of my classmates still have to write. I don't want to presume.

I can't believe it's true. I can't believe it's over. I can now start a new chapter of my life. Who knows what that will bring? The world is my oyster!

Joelle McBain BSc, MD, FRCPC

Almost over

It is almost over. In just two short days I will be writing my exam. The exam that has tortured and tormented me for the better part of five years. The exam that has filled my life with self-doubt, hopelessness, and despair.
Jurgen tells me I am in "a strange place" right now. All is see is gloom where there should be light. When the Royal College published its pass rates from last year, at first I felt hopeful, then just sick. Sure, 93% sounds amazing, unless you are one of the 7%, then you are just an idiot. He thinks it is really weird that I would think that. Also, when people say, "You'll be just fine" I don't take comfort in that. They must really think it helps, but I keep thinking, "What if I'm not?"
Ah, fear of failure. Where would I be without that? Honestly? Nowhere. That is my motivator. If I am not worried, I don't bother (hence last week). Unfortunately, now it is too late. I will still review stuff (until the last moment, because that is just me), but eventually I will realize that there is not much point, and put the books away.
In the end, all that matters is it is over. I will be finished being a resident. I can live with my hubby again (who loves me dearly). I can take the summer off. If, for some strange reason, I have a meltdown and totally freeze, I can always write it again. Then, the unknown factor will be gone. Think of how much I will know by then?
So, at 2:00 Ontario time on Friday, May 30, think of me and send me good energized thoughts. Then, at 6:00 Ontario time, raise a glass in my honour - it will be over!

hope

I have no motivation. It is gone. Only a week until the exam and I have lost my steam. Jurgen says that is normal. That everyone gets to that point around now. It makes me a little worried, acutally. What if because of this I don't do as well? Well, maybe that should be motivation enough. Unfortunately, what comes along with the lack of motivation is also a complete lack of caring. Apathy. Totally fitting. I feel a little pathetic. I just want it over.
As the days tick down, and it gets closer and closer to the date, I am more and more excited just to be finished. I am excited to not be a resident. I am excited to pack up my house and move somewhere new. I have lived here for 14 years (except the first year of residency in Regina, does that count?). It is time for a change. Good or bad, there is still change. I am hoping for good.
A friend lately told me that my emails were less about despair recently, but more about hope. I guess that is how I feel - hopeful. I am still not absolutely confident that I will pass, but I am hopeful. I am still unclear of my future, but I am hopeful.
Think of me one week tomorrow. Send happy vibes. Send positive energy.

Send hope.

Just the break I needed

I went home this weekend. The only weekend in May that I was planning to take that long awful drive. It was great. We went out for dinner. We went to the lake. I relaxed. For a few moments the rest of the world did not exist. For a few moments I felt like a normal person enjoying her May Long weekend.
It was just the break I needed. Now, I can get back to the grind. Get back to studying. I have purpose again. Work, and it will come. Strive, and you will achieve. Hope, and it will be there.
The light is getting brighter and brighter. First it was dim, a little flicker of hope. Now it is shining brightly, lighting the way, showing me where to go.
Bring it on, I say! Bring on the exam! I can do it! I will show them, and me, that I can do this!

soothing colour of green

I love spring. Suddenly, it is green again. The sun is shining, it is warm enough to wear pretty sandals and skirts, and the sky is blue. Funny how something so simple can change your mood so completely. Yesturday, I felt awful, hopeless, full of anger and despair. Today, I feel hopeful, encouraged, happy. Nothing in my situation has changed except the weather.
Maybe it also has to do with the fact that in a few short hours I will have a little break. I will be in Regina with the man I love, and tomorrow we will be at the lake enjoying the sunshine. There is some normalcy in that.
I just have to keep thinking that this is only an exam. It is only one evaluation in a line of many. It does not reflect who I am. It does not even reflect my competency at this job. It merely reflects my ability to barf out some information that I have memorized in a semi-coherent fashion. Not reality.
No matter. I am going to put on my pretty sandals (which everyone complimented today!), pack up my girls, and head off to my solice. Green is such a soothing colour and now there is so much of it. I love the spring.

More of the same

I just read my most recent blog before I started this one. What can I say now? More of the same, unfortunately.

I was feeling really good about things. I really felt like I had progressed. I really felt like I had a real chance of passing this stupid exam. I guess I should have blogged then. Unfortunately, one never feels like venting when they are happy.

We have 2 weeks left to prepare for this exam. At this point people have told us we should start to scale back a bit. Slow down with getting questions. Or, at least get questions from people that you know won't scare you too bad. We should have listened.

We just had a session wiht an attending whom I don't much like to begin with. He wrote his exam quite a while ago now, and obviously doesn't know the format. His questions may be true to both real life and the exam (except the format, and prompting), but I didn't find them useful. I can make myself depressed, thank you. I don't need you to tell me at this point that I suck.

I am so tired of continually feeling beat down. I am so tired of feeling depressed. I am tired of crying. I am tired of worrying. I am tired of feeling that no matter what I do I will only disappoint myself and everyone around me.

The sun was shining today. My cats went out and enjoyed the day. I was thinking how wonderful it will be to sit outside and enjoy the day. How lovely it will be to go to the lake, read something other than Anesthesia, do something other than study or feel guilty about not studying.

I guess no matter what happens I will be able to do that. If things go well, perfect. If things do not go so well... I can cross that bridge then, but at least I won't have to be a resident anymore. At least I can still move to Regina and live with my husband (poor guy thinks he has married a crazy person). Heck, I can even still work and bill. It is then that I can make the decision about writing it again or not.

A warning to anyone reading this: Be wary of what you wish for, it might not be what you think. Would I do what I had wished for and do this all again? Not a chance in hell. I would work in a flower shop.

needing something different

I am trying to be positive these last few weeks, I really am, but I am finding it very hard. It is not in my nature to tell someone off when they piss me off, and I wish it was. All I end up doing is stewing about it later. I come up with all sorts of snappy come backs after the fact, but never at the moment. I wish we lived in a world where you didn't need to come up with come-backs. I wish we lived in a world where everyone was working towards a common good, but that is just not reality.
I am getting really frustrated with things. Frustrated with surgeons telling me how to do my job, and insinuating I am not doing it right. Frustrated with the nurses for the exact same reason. Frustrated with my attendings trying to tell me what to do. They have read something in some textbook. Yeah? Well, I have also read stuff, and probably a lot more recently too. Frustrated with getting exams and still not being at the top of my game. Frustrated with worrying about things - to the point that I am having nightmares.
I just want to be finished. I just want this to be over. I am starting to not even care if I pass or not. I just need a break.
I worry that this is all for naught. I worry that at the end of this I will wake up and realize that I wasted not only the last 14 years, but my life. I worry that every day I will be unhappy with my job, just as frustrated as I am now. I worry that I won't be good at my job and that, too, will be frustrating.
Jurgen tells me it will get better. He tells me that he felt this way too. Look at him now - he loves what he does, and people respect him.
Maybe 14 years is a long time (it sure feels that way). Maybe I just need a change. Maybe I need something or somewhere different. At least at the end of this, there will be change. Whether it is good change or bad, at least it will be different.

small reflection

It feels like so much of the last two years I have been in count-down mode. I have been ticking things off on my "list of to-d0" for the last time. My last grand rounds as a resident, my last journal club as a resident, my last presentation at Bev Leech (our research weekend), my last cirriculum seminar (resident teaching) both as a presenter and an attender. This year has been full of things like my last night on call as a resident, the first part of my exam, my last Mock Oral, my last month of working as a resident. Soon I will be able to say, my last exam as a resident, last day, last study session, etc.
In a way, I have been wishing my life away. Wishing that this two years was over and I could be where Jurgen is. I am hoping that I have taken a few moments to remember some of this: the accomplishments, the hardships, the friendships, the knowledge learned. I know I have come a long way, and I still have some to go. Today, however, as a break from studying, I thought I would stop and "smell the flowers" so to speak. Reflect a bit. I wanted to look back and try to see where I was, where I am, and where I am going.
I feel like my life is on the verge of an enormous change. I have known nothing but school and some form of scholastics my ENTIRE life (years 0-4 don't count). What will I do when this is over? Will I be a life-long learner, always striving for perfection and procurement of knowledge? What will be my next big accomplishment? How will I define myself now? Will it be with "life accomplishments" such as kids, or something else? Who could ever know?
I guess that is why life is more about the journey than the destination.