e-mail to Jen

This is an email that I sent to my very good friend Jennie. It describes how I have been feeling:
As I told Jurgen, I am just frustrated. I just want to be able to give an anesthetic. If people want me to do it their way, fine, I can do that. If they want me to do it my way, then they should shut the hell up and let me do it. Saskatoon was frustrating for different reasons than Regina - mostly because I missed Jurgen terribly, hated driving back and forth, and he is not good on the phone. Here it is about really wanting to impress people so that they will like me for me and want to hire me for me, not just because I am married to Jurgen. Then, when I work with them and they criticize things that would just be standard in Saskatoon, it is frustrating. Especially when some of their reasoning doesn't make sense, and when some of it is wrong. I have figured out that I could live/work here. I have figured out that my relationship with Jurgen is not doomed. I have also had just about enough... I think it is time to go back to Saskatoon. At least there if they are criticizing me, it is likely because I am just being stupid. And if they tell me something, likely they are telling me what is right (although not always). I know it will be difficult to get through this year, but I also know that I will love my job WHEN i AM FINISHED. I just have to get there. The tunnel is still long, with very little light.

Regina has been great. I like the people here, I like the cases here, I love my house here, I LOVE my hubby here. It is time for a break, and then back to Saskatoon for more learning and getting on with things. Come one, count down!!

Everything new

Even though I have been here before, it all seems new. Even though I have met these people before, they all seem strange. New hospital, new machine, new chart, new protocols, new nurses, new doctors. It is so frustrating starting anew again. I hate that feeling of having to prove yourself to everyone all over again. This time it is worse. I am "Dr. Maslany's wife", I am looking for a job, I am a "senior resident", I have something to prove. Who I am proving it to? The nurses? The surgeons? The anesthetists? My husband? Myself? All of the above? Once again the black cloud of doubt rises over my head.... Can I do this? Do I have the knowledge, the skills? Will I be good at my job? Will I fit in here? I like it, I really do. Yes, I am hard on myself, I know that. It is just because I want to be GOOD, really good. Great. Fourth day in and my heart still pounds with the mere thought of going to work. Does it ever change? Does it ever get easier?