silly emotions

I feel just silly even writing this, let alone feeling it. Jurgen was here for a week (a beautiful week) and left this evening. I will be back in Regina to be with him for 2 months on Tuesday, and yet I was sad he was leaving. Sad that he was also taking the girls with him (at my request). Silly, isn't it? Only 48 hours and we will be together again. However, I couldn't help thinking about the upcoming year. 13 more months of seeing each other only on the weekends, of crossing off each day as it is over, of feeling lonely and alone. I know I can do it. I know we can do it, but it doesn't make it any easier. How do I tell him that I love him so much that I NEVER want him to leave? How do I let him know that I would give up everything just to be with him? I feel like that cheesy 80's song: "Everytime you go away, you take a piece of me with you...." My heart aches, and yearns for the year to be over so that we can be together, be a family, get on with our LIVES. And yet, I know there is nothing I can do. I must simply be. I must simply do. I must simply go on. Survive.
Soon, this too, will pass.

Why my cats are better than kids!

Jurgen really wants kids. Me, not so much. At least not now. I am in no rush. And here is why - Here is why my cats are better than kids.

1. I don't have to change my cats' diapers - they have a litter box.
2. My cats don't talk back or tell me they hate me.
3. If my cats don't want to be bugged by their "daddy" or whomever, they hide under the bed, they don't come whining to me.
4. I never have to worry about my cats getting pregnant, or getting someone pregnant.
5. I can leave my cats during the day, I don't need a nanny or babysitter.
6. I don't have to cook for my cats - they have an automatic feeder.
7. My cats don't complain about what I fee them - they eat cat food.
8. I can leave my cats by themselves for days by themselves - they just need food and water.
9. I always know when my cats are happy - they purr.
10. My cats are perfectly happy in any city I take them to, they don't worry about missing their friends.

Having cats is easy. Having kids is complicated.

I like easyl

great May

I know May is not over, but this has so far been a really good month. I have had some of my most meaningful compliments (ie. staff saying I am "stellar", and recovery room nurses telling me that they would let me give them an anesthetic!!). I have done some really interesting cases, some hard cases, and have not been overly stressed about it. Sure, May started off terrible (two deaths my first day back), but it has gotten brighter and brighter. Jurgen comes tomorrow for a whole week! I only have one more call left, and then off to Regina for the summer (June, July). Not to mention that in July I will officially be a fifth-year, a FINAL year resident!!! Then the count down is really on!
Not only has May been great for work (which is essentially my life), but other stuff too. I ran my first 10km on Monday!! I have been working up to that for awhile and was planning to run the 10km at the end of the month. I needed to know that I could do it. And now I know I can! Maybe by the time September comes around I will be able to do 15 or more. I am running with the "Marathongers". They are the female Anesthesiologists in Regina. No, we aren't really planning to where pink thongs, but we will all have matching pink shirts and jackets!! Should be fun. If you are bored May 27th, or in September, come cheer me on!!

Blog 100

This is my 100th blog. Wow. It amazes me to look back at my life and see where I have been.

I have recently joined "Facebook". I still can't say as I really understand what it is exactly, but it has been fun (although a definate timesuck). I have managed to reconnect with people I have not spoken to in years. It is funny when people ask you "what are you doing". I have trouble with that question because I feel like my life hasn't changed - I am still a resident (although almost into my final year), I still live in Saskatoon (although that feels part-time now), I am still in Anesthesiology (that one won't change), I am still married to Jurgen (I don't want that one to change), I still have two gorgeous cats (I don't want that one to change, either). It feels boring to answer the question with the same old stuff, but I guess if you haven't spoken to me in years, it is all new. Also, if you look back at my blogs, it is clear that my life is ever changing full of ups and downs. It is just the big stuff that doesn't change.

I have decided to try a few life-changing outlooks in my life. First, I am going to try to not be so self-deprecating. It is defeating, and self-fulfilling, and damaging. Not good. Other people believe in me (my Program Director even called me "stellar" the other day!), so why can't I?! Second, I am going to have an open mind. I am really going to try to learn from all of my attendings. Why do they want me to do things a certain way? Do they have a reason? Can I encoroporate this into my practice? Finally, I am going to try to be happy. Yeah, just that. No more getting sad about things I can not change, or angry about things I cannot control. That should all be simple to do, right?

Well, here is to 100 thoughts, feelings, and blogs. Here is to new outlooks. Here is to great friends found on Facebook. Here is to love, laughter, and life. Here is to marriage, friends, and family. Here is to my husband (I don't give him nearly enough credit).

Cheers.