A good feeling... not driving

What an amazing difference it makes knowing I don't have to get in a car and drive back to Saskatoon. I was able to relax this afternoon, have dinner, and now I am even studying (or should be...) and I didn't have to drive for 2.5 hours. I didn't even wake up feeling panicked today (as has become the norm), because I knew I could spend that time doing something else much more productive. Even if it is procrastinating, writing blogs and such.
This month will be great. A couple of nights of call (of my choosing) to see how things work and to have the day postcall to study. No driving back and forth. Being here with Jurgen and the girls all month, and not missing them. I may even get together with some of my old friends again. That would be fun.
As a good friend said to me on Friday, "There are definately good things about Regina".
Did I mention that I don't have to drive?!

;)

Random thoughts

I am watching my kitty curled up beside my computer and marvel at how absolutely perfect she is. So soft, so cute, so peaceful. So much better than kids. Yes, this again. The no kids thing. I go round and round trying to decide if I do like/want them. What does that tell me? I am in no way ready. Which is just fine, as I would rather pass my exams than have to worry about that.

Mind games. We all play them. However, I fear them most at work. Is it truely a mind game? A way to freak me out and make me feel bad? Or is it purely my own insecurities? Who can tell?

I feel, as always, the never ending dread of my exams. Now, though, there is something else. Relief. Relief at being in Regina. Knowing that I don't have to drive 5 hours every weekend. That I can use that time to study, and not panic. How sad.

I am running again tomorrow. The "CIBC Run for the Cure". It is only 5km, but definately for a good cause. I convinced Jurgen's mom to run with me. Should be fun.

Concern, Worry, Fear. When will he start to feel better. So tired of watching him go through this and wishing I could make it better. And then resenting him because I have my own problems to deal with. I wish it would end.

I wish a lot of things would end. Especially this whole residency thing. Ah, alas, wishing my life away. I suppose I should just enjoy it. OK, I will settle for endure it.

Blogger psychosis

Haven't blogged in awhile. As I said before, I have discovered "Facebook". It is much more about sharing, posting, viewing, and searching. It fills some kind of void, but it does not have the same purpose as my blog. My blog is an on-line diary, and anyone who has read it knows that I treat it as just that. I have expressed all of my feelings here, my inner secrets and fears. People who don't have a blog, I guess, don't understand that. I have always been an open book. What you see is what you get. So really, this is just an extension of that. I have been surprised, then when people almost feel guilty (or do!) reading this.

A friend came up to me the other day and said that she had found my blog. She touched my shoulder in a tender fashion, looking almost sadly at me. That was all she said, but it felt like she thought I had some kind of psychosis because of this. Some emotional disturbia, if you will.

I guess things have to be really powerful for me to want to take the time to write it down. Either really scary, really exciting, really maddening, or really sad. Otherwise, why bother? But isn't that what a diary is for? This is the venue that you can say whatever you want. Vent, get it all out. Admittedly, it is a public forum, so you wouldn't want to incriminate anyone, but you can still get out your feelings.

In a way, I think it is funny. I still sensor a lot of what I write. I don't write as much or as often as some of my other friends (and I love them for it). I felt like saying to my friend, you should see their's! It is my friends who have always shared my fondness for the arts and expression that blog. My science friends feel like they have violated my privacy by reading my blog. Just a different way of looking at things, I guess. Still funny.

So, to all of you with guilt: If I didn't think you should read this, it wouldn't be on the internet! Also, maybe I do have a psychosis (my husband thinks I do!), but as long as I am not going out and killing 12 people in a 7-11, this is the best thing for it. Just think, with this year, it is only going to get worse. Look out world - the blogger psychosis increases!!