Leaving home again

I had the afternoon off today. I spent the greater part of the afternoon packing, once again. Again, I will be on the highway, travelling to an empty house. Home? No, I don't think so. Home, after all, is where the heart is. My heart is not there.
Sunday night I started to feel sad. Monday I could barely study. When I realized today that I wouldn't see Jurgen tonight (he is on call) I almost cried. I thought this was supposed to get easier?
I have been really happy here. We are living together as a family again. I love my job here. It is really a great working environment. People are all happy, working together. I feel like I make a difference. I see just how much it means to my patients when I come and see them the night before, or the morning of their surgery. I get a warm feeling when I see them comfortable in the recovery room. I really can't wait to be here, working, for real.
Maybe being by myself again will help me study, keep me focussed. If I just keep telling myself that if Iwork a little harder, it will all be over. Soon I won't have to do that awful drive again. Soon the torture will be over. That is the only thing that keeps me going. That and the knowledge that no matter what happens, at the end of June I will live here, with my family again.
So, I am leaving home again. Back to that transitory place I call Saskatoon.

October thoughts

This ride, called life, is so random, so up and down. I feel like I am on an endless rollercoaster with moments of joy, pain, fear, and anger. Spinning ever closer to out of control. Here is what I mean...

Halloween: This is my favorite holiday. I love to get dressed up. Scary, pretty, cute. Something that is not me at all, but still has that bit of me underneath. In cognito. A way to disappear and be someone else for a night. So, do I have a costume? No. Do I have an opportunity to go out? Well, I might have, but I got too caught up in studying to go and get what I wanted. Also, Jurgen said he wasn't into it. Boo. yes, Boo.

Fall: Sure, it is pretty with all of the leaves turning. I like the fact that there aren't any bugs anymore. But, does it have to get so flipping cold so fast?

The exam: Always back to this. My life is consumed. Study, work, sleep, eat. Study, work, study at work, exams. Jurgen asked me if I wanted a question today at lunch while we waited for our food. I blew up at him. WHY would I want a question at lunch, in a restaurant? Sure he was just trying to be nice, but I thought it was mean. Then I felt guilty. No, not for blowing up at him, but for not wanting a question. It is like forcing yourself to do something you hate ALL the time. Does it have to be ALL the time? Can't I just have lunch in peace?

People have been asking me if I am "ready". I don't know how to answer. I mean it is October. I do have 5.5 months until my written and 7 months until my orals. Oooohh. That doesn't seem like that long. NO. I don't feel ready, but what do they want me to say? If I say that (especially here), maybe they won't want me, or in S'toon maybe they won't want me to write.

See, on one hand I am glad it is October. That means I don't have much longer to go. On the other hand, I don't have much longer to go. See the dilemma?

Frustrated studying

I just haven't been motivated to study in the last couple of days. I just don't have the "fear". Now, finally when I should have had something raise the hair on the back of my neck and force me to hit the books, instead it just made me mad. Frustrated.
We have been having oral exam prep here in Regina. I have asked the newer grads to give a question to me and one of the staff people writing this year. None of my questions were stellar thus far, but I didn't suck. Today I sucked. As soon as the question came out of his mouth, I knew I didn't know the answer. Some disease I haven't even thought about in a couple of years, and I couldn't remember anything but the basics.
To make matters worse, there was a second staff guy (also writing this year) today who hasn't joined us before. He acted the whole time like he had done this all before and knew all the answers. He would say things like, "you just need to have that prepared better so it just rolls off the tongue". Yeah. No shit, Sherlock. Sure, he has written the American boards, but he hasn't done the Canadians, and they are different. He was there to learn, just like the rest of us. Otherwise, if you know it all, get the hell out. The rest of us are trying to learn here.
There comes that short temper again. Not like me.
Not to mention the fact that I am so not looking forward to going back to Saskatoon. The politics, the traumas, the little annoyances. And being away from the one person who actually "gets it", my hubby.
Well, at least my cats still love me. They don't care that I sucked today. They still ran to the door and purred when I came home. They will even still love me if I fail this stupid exam.
I love my cats...

dreaming of distant lands

So, instead of studying via my computer, I was looking up far destinations via my computer. I am trying to decide where I would like to go when I am finished. Greece? Scotland? Egypt? Italy? Disney World? Somewhere else entirely? I just don't know. It seems so far away, but really when I think about it, it isn't.
I am happy here. Comforable. I dream of the day when I can go out to our cabin and not feel guilty that I am not studying. When we can stay at the lake overnight, and wake up cozy in our cottage. Ah, soon. Soon.
Maybe my vacation should be here?

Footprints

Have you ever read the poem "Footprints"? It is about a person talking to God at the end of his life looking back. The end always gives me shivers: "That, my son, is where I carried you." So amazing.
I am not God (obviously), and I do not have his strength. As much as I try to carry another's weight, I falter. As much as I want to take his pain, I can't. As much as I try to make things better, it doesn't work. I am not God, but sometimes I wish I had just a tiny bit of his power so that I could take the hurt away. I am not asking for much, am I?