October thoughts

This ride, called life, is so random, so up and down. I feel like I am on an endless rollercoaster with moments of joy, pain, fear, and anger. Spinning ever closer to out of control. Here is what I mean...

Halloween: This is my favorite holiday. I love to get dressed up. Scary, pretty, cute. Something that is not me at all, but still has that bit of me underneath. In cognito. A way to disappear and be someone else for a night. So, do I have a costume? No. Do I have an opportunity to go out? Well, I might have, but I got too caught up in studying to go and get what I wanted. Also, Jurgen said he wasn't into it. Boo. yes, Boo.

Fall: Sure, it is pretty with all of the leaves turning. I like the fact that there aren't any bugs anymore. But, does it have to get so flipping cold so fast?

The exam: Always back to this. My life is consumed. Study, work, sleep, eat. Study, work, study at work, exams. Jurgen asked me if I wanted a question today at lunch while we waited for our food. I blew up at him. WHY would I want a question at lunch, in a restaurant? Sure he was just trying to be nice, but I thought it was mean. Then I felt guilty. No, not for blowing up at him, but for not wanting a question. It is like forcing yourself to do something you hate ALL the time. Does it have to be ALL the time? Can't I just have lunch in peace?

People have been asking me if I am "ready". I don't know how to answer. I mean it is October. I do have 5.5 months until my written and 7 months until my orals. Oooohh. That doesn't seem like that long. NO. I don't feel ready, but what do they want me to say? If I say that (especially here), maybe they won't want me, or in S'toon maybe they won't want me to write.

See, on one hand I am glad it is October. That means I don't have much longer to go. On the other hand, I don't have much longer to go. See the dilemma?