Who do I listen to?

I came home depressed and frustrated today (again!) with work. When I was asked, "What happened?" All I could say was, "nothing". No, no one died or (less melodramatic) was harmed in any way. In fact, both of my patients did very well today. On any other day with any other staff I would have come home satisfied. But, not today. Today I worked with my Program Director. I feel like nothing goes right when I am with him. Not only that, but he is a perfectionist and so even if it did go right, it wouldnt' be enough. And, after speaking with a friend in another specialty, he is not alone in making residents feel the way he does. I guess they feel it is their job to "tell it like it is" and give you that little "nudge" they think you need to motivate you. Constructive criticism? More like Destructive criticism. My delicate ego needs more right now. I don' t need someone to inform me of how little I know, I am acutely aware of the situation. What's more, is pointing it out actually just proves the futility of all of this.

On the other hand, there have been some people lately who have given me glowing recommendations and compliments. These people see me day in and day out. They see the long term effects of what I do in the OR - the recovery room nurses. They have been telling me lately how wonderful they think I am, that they trust me, and think I do an excellent job. Also, some of the OR nurses have also complimented me lately on how good with kids they thought I was (What a compliment!).

Then there is my husband - Ever my cheering section. He does not bat an eye when I tell him how frustrated I am, he has been there. He recognizes some of the lines people have been feeding me for the garbage it is. I just keep thinking that if I can just make it through the next few months, maybe I, too, will love my job as much as he loves his.

So, who do I listen to? The people who have seen it all and think they know it all (not just my program director), the ones who see me in action on a day-to-day basis, or the ones who know me intimately? Hard to say. I guess it depends on my mood....

Today, I will listen to my hubby. After all, in the end, he is the one who has to live with me.

Learning Balance

Just a quick blog to say, I am doing OK. I am trying to learn balance. To realize that this exam process is the means to and end, not THE END. I am trying to not let myself be completely CONSUMED by the process. If I am really that stressed, and not coping, how much am I going to retain anyway? Probably not a lot.
I have had some great cases lately, some great days, and worked with great people. Yes, this is what it is about. Sure, that "little quiz" (as it is affectionately called by those who have made it through) is always looming, but not quite as darkly.
Maybe this all has to do with getting to spend a week with the love of my life. He definately keeps me grounded.
Ah, sliver linings abound.

Lovely days

I know I post about how rotten my life is a lot, so to try and even it out a bit, here is the good side. (please note all names are fictional)
I had two really great days. The first, a "big case" on a premie that was now barely term for a huge laparotomy. The surgeon, Dr. Grumpy, was surprisingly well behaved and in a great mood. He even told me that he had no doubt that I would pass my exams. What a complimet! The staff Anesthesiologist, Dr. Gruff-and-do-it-all, also well behaved and in a good mood. He left me alone for the greater part of the day, which was just fine with me. Our lines went in well, everyone was pleasant, and what could have been scary and awful, was just fine.
Today I worked with Dr. Mentor, who is always a joy. I really respect her - as a colleague, a staff person, a mentor, and a friend. She worked hard to get where she is, and she does not hesitate to help others along the same road. She has really helped me in these last 4 years. Letting me know that all of what I am feeling is normal, that I am not alone, and that yes, I can do it. She let me do everything (despite us having another premie who is just barely term), gave helpful hints, and gave me some great questions to think about.
Then the nurses. Nurses really can make or break your day, and the nurses I worked with (whom were pretty much the same both days) were great! We all laughed and joked, and things were smooth.
This is what Jurgen talks about.... Maybe I do still like my job.

My 2007 song

A friend of mine recently posted on her blog about how she picks a song every year that sort of symbolizes that year. She picked the song "Gravity". After reading her blog I had to download the song for myself to see what exactly she was talking about. The soulful song resonnated with me as well, especially the end: "Just keep me where the light is...." There is still hope, there is still light.
My song for 2007 is not so woeful. In fact it is the perfect @#$%-you kind of song. A song about doing something that someone may not have agreed with that you can't take back. A song about not being about to just forgive when people are awful to you. A song of strength. What is it? It is "Not Ready to Make Nice" by the Dixie Chicks. This song was perfect a few months ago, and continues to be so. This is the song that I belt out at the top of my lungs in my car, and in my house. You may try to push me down and shut me up, but you will never successfully take my voice or my power. I am not ready to make nice, and I DON'T have time to go round and round. I will continue to fight. And I will win.
Bring it on Royal College, Bring it on colleagues, Bring it on world.

study woes

I am starting to feel very alone, and lost with this whole process. I feel like I am barely above water, always on the verge of drowning. And so, I look for support. I look to those who are going through the same woes - my colleagues. Sure, my friends in other specialties are good to talk to, but we are all a bit different. I need someone who really understands. Unfortunately, I am not connecting with the people in my year. We have different ideas on how to study, and what is useful. Am I surprised? Well, I guess only a little. We are all different people, and so that makes sense, but I thought we would band together and help each other out. I hear of other groups who divide up the work and meet regularly, who help share the torture. But that is not us. And it hurts. It hurts my ego. I worry that maybe it is just me. That they don't feel like I contribute anything. I also worry that I am not smart enough, or good enough to do this on my own. But, there is no other way. In the end, there is only one person I can truly rely on - me. I have to do this. I have to pass. I have to complete the year. Sure, they do too. But on the day, they won't be there for me to ask, it will just be me.
This time there is only one pair of footprints in the sand, and no one is carrying me....

They bring me peace

When all around me is falling apart,

They bring me peace

When I feel like I just can't go on,


They bring me peace.





When all I need is a warm hug,


They bring me peace.


When all I need is understanding,


They bring me peace.





When all I need is someone to cry with,


They bring me peace.


When all I need is someone to listen,


They bring me peace.





In my life they are the ones,


They bring me peace.


They help keep me grounded.


They bring me peace









Who are they? My friends, my girls, my beauties.

New Year update

It is 2008. That means, this is it. I am on the final count down of residency. We are taking it to the next level with work load and studying. Less than 6 months left! Bring it on baby!

The two departments (Regina and Sasktoon) have been very accomadating for Jurgen and I. They are allowing Jurgen to come up to Saskatoon to work about one week per month. This is great, as I have told Jurgen that I am no longer making the drive to Regina. If he wants to see me, he has to come here. The first of these weeks will start Jan. 11

I received my letter of offer from the Regina Health District. I have accepted, and look forward to beginning in late July after some well deserved time off (at the Lake).

We went skiing over the holidays to Whitefish, Montanna. We had great weather and even better skiing.

I spent some time with some of my friends over the holidays. So nice to have friends outside medicine. These people keep me grounded.

Christmas was great. My family was not very dysfunctional at all (surprise!). Maybe some day we will have Christmas at the cabin.

Here is to a new year, with many endings and new possibilities. To new memories, and old fears.

Bring it on, 2008!