Versed is a wonderful thing

My second time being a patient happened last week. I think I was more nervous this time then when I had my biopsy done. I had to have a gastroscopy done. This is where they take a "camera", shove it down your throat to have a look at your esophagus, stomach, and small intestine and take biopsies if needed. Everyone who I told I was having this done said they would rather have this done than the other end. Not me. I have the WORST gag reflex - I gag brushing my teeth. The only thing I can think of that would be worse would be having a bronchoscopy (same thing only into your lungs). That is one great reason why I would never smoke.
Luckily, I have friends in high places and was able to convince a collegue (one of the staff anesthetists who just finished) to be there and give me drugs. I didn't want to remember anything. I was SO freaked out.
I got there and five minutes later they called my name. The lady told me I looked nervous - "I'm totally freaked out", I told her. My friend hadn't shown up yet! What was I going to do? She told me that a lot of times they don't even give sedation. Was she serious? Who in their right mind would have this done WITHOUT sedation?! Well, I wasn't going to stand for that. Luckily, I brought along my own stash of minor sedation. A little Ativan goes a long way. The other thing that helped was that my friend showed up.As soon as he got there, I immediately relaxed. I knew from then on that I would be OK. He would give me the sedation that I wanted. And if I needed a lot, and I obstructed my airway, he could take care of that too. No problem. I could do this.
So, Dr. Bedi (the GI guy) comes in to chat. I think he realized that I was REALLY nervous (duh, I brought along an anesthetist!), and reassured me that he would give me some sedation. I questioned him on exactly what and how much (hey, I know my happy drugs), and was satisfied. My friend promised me, however, that he would be there and step in if needed.
The short story is (I know, too late), Versed is a wonderful thing. I have very little recollection of the entire procedure. I was told I did OK and that everything went well.
Now... again the waiting game for the biopsy. At least I know that this time they were in the right place! After all, where else could they go?!

Tired of having "no heart"

I warn any of you who actually read this... if you are tired of hearing me complain about my life, then go and do something else for 5 minutes. I need to vent, and this is my medium. My husband is not sympathetic and I feel like anyone who would truly understand would not be sympathetic either. I just want someone to agree with me that my life sucks.

I hate Cardiology. It is a LOT of repetitve, boring work. I have done a lot of call lately (am post call today, maybe that is why I am grumpy). I hate being called every hour, or two times an hour with stupid calls. Go see someone who is in atrial fibrillation - OK, but she is sleeping, not having any symptoms, and known to have Afib. The poor patient had to be woken up by the ECG tech and me, and I don't think we did her any good, but hey, I did what the nurses asked me to. And chest pain? If I never see another person with chest pain, it will be too soon.
I feel like none of the nurses know me, nor do they care. The fellows aren't all that helpful. Not to mention the fact that one of them insulted me last night by insinuating that I couldn't do my job (" do you know how to do lines?" I said, "I am anesthesia" what does she think I have been doing for the last 3 years?!). And the teaching? Well, the attendings are only interested in service, and sure some of the fellows teach, but a lot of it is Internal Medicine crap that I just don't care about.
I just keep thinking that I have made a big mistake. Do I like my job? Sometimes. Does it make me happy? Sometimes. But, it has been a really long time since I have felt like I am making any difference and that I am truly good at what I do. I hate doing call more than anything. I hate feeling tired all the time. I hate constantly trying to prove myself. I hate always feeling like I don't know anything, or at least enough. I hate feeling like I am working towards nothing and that the hell will never end. Will it end? Well, it is ending for Jurgen. But I really doubt I am as smart as he is. I don't think I can do it. I have been living in his shadow far too long.
Counting the bad moments.... Counting down the days left in this rotation... Only to start another... Is it worth it? It is difficult to know.... Only time will tell.

my own problems

yeah. Further to that last post...

I have my own problems. Oh, he understands them alright. He has lived through them all. And when he wanted to quit, to jump off a building I was there, but all he can tell me is to "suck it up, everyone goes through it." Real comforting.

I hate my life right now. My job sucks. I feel like I work and work and get no recogition whatsoever. I hate all the internal medicine I have been doing. I don't even remember if I like Anesthesia anymore. It has been 6 months since I have even set foot in the OR, I don't even know what it looks like. And Jurgen? Well, we just heard how that is going. He is so unhappy, and I don't blame him. I am unhappy too, and apparently it only gets worse.

Maybe if I had something to look forward to, it would be OK. But really, what is there?

Broken record

It is so frustrating. It never changes. Any time that Jurgen has some problem, some potentially life-altering change coming up he freaks out. And I could "never understand". No never. Sure, I am a few years behind him, but that doesn't mean that I don' t get it!

He is at this thing in Banff to prepare him for his exams. He had some practice exams today and he failed one. One. Now, his life is over. All he can think about is how he shouldn't have taken the job in Regina, how we shouldn't have bought another house. His solution? Quit. Yeah, that will make the mortgage go away and the job contract just disappear! What can he do? LEARN from this. Find out what he is doing wrong. Ask the examiners questions, find out what they are looking for, ask where he can improve. Above all else, TRY. That is the only thing that he can do.

What is the worst that can happen? He fails. Yes, that is truly horrible, and would absolutely suck, but he can write it again in the fall. One guy last year failed, and he rewrote it, and he passed the second time. Was his life over? I am sure it felt like it for a little while, but he got back on the horse and made it happen.

So frustrating. I thought we were done with being an ostrich. For NINE years I have heard him say that I "don't understand". I could never understand wanting to get into Medicine and how HARD that could be and how IMPOSSIBLE it is. I could never understand GETTING THROUGH medical school and how impossible that is. I could never understand how impossible it could be to get into Anesthesia, to pass the LMCC, to get through residency. The answer? Always the same - quit. That will make life better. That will make life easier. And the advice your girlfriend/wife gives you? It isn't worth anything. What could she possibly know? How could she EVER possibly understand.

Well, I am tired of the Fucking Broken Record. Fine. I don't understand. I don't know anything. So don't ask.

The little things...

It is really the little things in life that make us happy. I have been working really hard in ICU, and now in Cardiology, been unhappy with life and work, but a few little things and I am still OK.
Jurgen and I went to the Dominican Repbulic a little under a week ago. A small amount of time spent in the sun, a little (too much) rum can go a long way. I love "hot trips".
Now, sitting here watching Survivor... So happy I am not those women (I hate camping), but so happy that there are those that want to do it so that I can watch! 39 days, 16 people, and a ton of TV to watch!
Finally, getting to go out for supper with friends, getting to pick colours for our new house, and going to Great Big Sea. Who could ask for more?