I had a little taste of what my hubby feels like today. He loves his job. Mostly because of the social aspect. Today I had that. I was working with one of the new young attendings who knows all too well what it is like at this stage of the game. He realizes that if he is there in the room he needs to be asking me questions or considerations. Otherwise, it is best to let me run the show. Sure, we can trade off and split up the work, that makes it more enjoyable for both of us.
Then there were the nurses. We laughed and joked and teased each other all day. The surgeon is one of the ones who are really pleasant. I was also able to pick his brain about a few ENT questions I had, so that was useful.
Then the patients. I really felt like I connected with them today. The ones that I saw later thanked me for what I had done, and seemed very satisfied with my anesthetic. I never felt like I went the "extra mile", I just did my job, and that was enough.
Overall, I had a great day. Sometimes I get that little inkling of why my hubby loves his job so much. OK, I get it.

a change of heart

I realize that so much of what I have been writing lately has been dark, and depressing. These last few 5 weeks or so have been really hard on me with everything that is going on. However, I must realize that I should be thankful for what I have.
Thankful that my father has recovered so much, so fast.
Thankful that my husband is so wonderful and understanding, even if I am a crazy person whom he thinks will crack at any moment.
Thankful for my cats, they love me no matter what.
Thankful that I have so many people pulling for me.
Thankful that I have people in my life willing to help me.
Thankful for all my friends and family who support me.

Why the change? All it takes is a little sunshine. Doing well on a couple of questions makes it seem a little less hopeless. Makes me think that if I just work at it a little harder, do a few more questions, ask for a little more help, that maybe, just maybe I can do it.

this time of year

I wonder what it is about this time of year. I just read a friend's blog and was surprised to see my own thoughts and feelings echoed in hers. We have completely different stuff going on in our lives but the end result is the same - a bad funk. A feeling of hopelessness. A feeling of despair. A feeling that everything always ends up in the same depressing place that you never want it to.

I wonder if it is the snow. The fact that it is the end of April and we still have SNOW! That is definately depressing.

I wonder if it is tax time. The fact that it shows us our financial failures for the last year.

I wonder if it is just that we are getting older and we are still in the same place that we were several years ago. A person's 30's are a lot different than their 20's. In your 20's you think that the world owes you something and that you are invincible. In your 30's you realize you owe the world something and that you need to deliver. You realize that you, nor your closest friends and family are not invincible, and bad things happen to good people.

I don't know what it is that makes this time of year suck. It just does.

sensitive

I wish I wasn't so sensitive. Maybe then this whole process wouldn't be so bad. If I could let my ego get a bit bruised and not worry about it, it wouldn't hurt so much. But that isn't me. Why can't I take constructive criticism? The people who are giving it to you aren't trying to hurt you, they are trying to help you. So why does it hurt so bad? I hope I am not the only person who feels this way, but maybe other people just have "thicker skin" than me. Maybe, for me, the only way to motivate me is to scare me, hurt me, poke fun at me. Maybe the only thing that drives me is the fear of failure.
I know I should use this. Take control, fix the situation, make it better. Can I do it? I am such a conflict - yes, it is only an exam, yes there are more important things in life, yes I can write it again, yes it doesn't change my true outcome. I tell myself all these things over an over. But, do I believe it? I somehow think that this defines me, but it doesn't. An exam cannot tell you who you are. Then why do I let it control me? Consume me? Attempt to destroy me? Aren't I better than that?
Somehow I have got to grab ahold of this and take control of it. Push these feelings into submission. I will not be controlled. I will not be consumed. I am not destroyed. One moment in time (or several, for that matter) do not make a lifetime.
There is still time. I can still work at this. I can still improve. I can still strive forward. I can still succeed.
If at first you don't suceed.....

Life. And so it goes.

Life just keeps on plugging away, whether you want it to or not. It doesn't care that you have an exam to study for. It doesn't care that this is the pinnacle of what you have been working towards. Nope. It says, too bad, all the little things still need to be done. You can't hide in your house expecting everything to work itself out around you. You have to be realistic, and just get it done.

What am I talking about? Moving. I am dreading it. I always dread it. I get comfortable, I nest, I collect stuff. No, I am not a pack-rat, but there is still stuff. I got married in this house, so there are cards, invitations, and pictures. I did residency in this house, so there are books (and books), lab coats, and stethescopes. I "raised" 2 cats in this house, so there are toys, kitty-condos, carriers, and leashes. I had a life for 5 years in this house, so there is everything imagineable in this house! Some of it I want to get rid of, some of which I want to keep, and some I am just not sure yet. What if I throw something away, and then in 2 years Iam looking for it, wondering where it is, regretting the decision?

I feel like, on one hand, that I can use packing as an excuse to not study. It will be a good break, I tell myself. Then I think, yeah right. That doesn't sound fun at all. But, it has to be done.

There are some things I can put off - getting my police check for work, filling out my priveledges card, starting a family - and there are some things I can't. Studying must be done. Packing should be done. Starting a family can't be done.

And so it goes....

bad attitude

I have a bad attitude. All of my attendings keep ranting and raving about how they think I should spend my last few weeks of residency. I know what my hubby says, and I trust him. He did this exam, passed, and is one of the smartest people I have ever known. He says the time for interesting cases is over. The time for exam prep is now. I agree. If I haven't seen it in five years of training, a few more weeks will not likely make a difference. Am I saying that I shouldn't be in the OR? No. What I am saying is that I want to be in the OR with people who can give me questions. I don't really care what case they are doing. It could be ortho, gyne, vascular, gen surg, whatever. Right now it is all about preparing for the exam and getting enough practice to pass. Don't tell me there is an "interesting case" to do, because I don't care. Give it to one of the fourth-years to do!

The next stage

Well, Part 1 and 2 of the writtens are over, and now it is on to the orals. One more day of hell, with a little mini one in the middle (our practice orals). I think I did OK on the first part, but who can ever really know? It is know up to the orals to help bring my mark up (or at least not make it any worse!).
I took a couple of days off, went to a small conference, even went on Facebook, but now it is time. Again, the call of the books, the call of more knowledge, the fear of failure, and absolute desire to have all of this over drives me.
8 weeks left. 7 weeks of preparation and 1 week after. Then, I will pack up the place that has been my life for the last five years and venture onto that awful highway for (hopefully) the last time. I will start a new chapter of my life. One where I am a professional. Where people seek out my advice. Where I live with my husband, and expand my family. Ah, doesn't that just sound like bliss?
I just have to keep telling myself that I can do this. It is just an exam. There are more important things in life. Even if I fail, the worst is over. I can write it again, but I still get to move to Regina, live with my husband, and generally get on with my life. I hope that is not the case, but who can ever really know? Gotta keep trying. That is all I can do...

Part 1

Well, the first of three awful days is over. The multiple choice exam is over! I finished early, as I always do on exams. I was SO happy whenever I saw a questions that I recognized. Some I didn't recognize and knew, and some I definately didn't. When I started changing answers I knew it was time to quit. They always say go with your gut.

When I finished, I felt like crying. A tone of emtion. Not really sad, not really happy, more just relief. Then elation at being done. I really thought I had passed! I went immediately and bought some new clothes!

Then I went home and started thinking about things, and looked a few things up. I realized then that I hadn't done as well as I had thought. Now again the doubt. Was it enough? Will my mark on this still be enough to pull me out from the horror that I know tomorrow will be? If it isn't, I still don't know what I would do differently next year. I still don't think I could do it again, this year I mean.

Well, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it (if I have t0). One more day, then a break.

I can do it. I have to do it.

(Can you hear the train?)

procrastinating

OK. So, I am procrastinating. I have reached a wall. An "I don't give a F@%*!" wall. I have made almost 60 pages of notes from about 6 texts, and reviewed them once, and I have been through 12 years of questions 3 times. Can I do more? Yes. Do I want to? No. Will I anyway? Unfortunately, yes. I am very sick of this but feel like I couldn't stop now for fear that if I did, THAT few hours would be the reason I didn't pass.

Here is also where my mind is: Do I know everything? No. Can I know everything? No. Am I smarter than all the people writing this, or even as prepared? No. Am I dumber than 5% (or whatever the fail rate is) of the population? No. Am I somewhere in the middle? Most likely. Will I wide the wave of the curve like I always do? Most likely. Can I pass this? Maybe. Is there still a possibility that I could fail? Sure. Will that change what I do? Well, it might make me study for a few more hours yet tonight. Will it change my future? Not totally. All the important things would still happen - I would still move to Regina, I would still stop being a resident, I could still work, I could still get on with my life. Would it still suck? Most definately it would be the most horrible, humiliating experience of my life. Would I survive? Probably.

So, where does that leave us? Realizing that I need to get off my ass and do a couple more hours of studying yet tonight!

Same old

Now that Dad is doing better (he is walking, although still with assistance, his speech is almost 100%, and his hand is gaining in strength every day), I feel more comfortable about being back in Saskatoon. I can focus on my studies again. Now back to the same old stress.
I don't know which is worse - The stress of my Dad's recovery, or the stress of the exam. Before it was definately Dad's surgery and recovery. I still don't think Iwill ever feel like that again, nor do I ever want to. Now though, with him improving, it is the exam.
The heart palpitations, the nausea, the constant worry. I don't know if I could do this again. The despair, the tears, the gripping looming blackness.
Well, one week today and both written components will be over and one with.

Wish me luck.